Beau Peep Notice Board
Beau Peep Notice Board => Outpourings => Topic started by: The Peepmaster on January 25, 2009, 05:05:40 PM
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How about having a thread where aspiring strip writers can put forward story-line ideas, and experts like Roger, can say why they would or wouldn't work?
Here's one I've just thought up:
Bloke (in flat cap) leaning on a pub bar, says to barman: "And then I said "If that's your attitude, I'm never drinking here again".
Another guy walks in saying "Hey, Arny - any idea why the landlord of your usual boozer's throwing an impromptu party?"
Would that work, and if not, what's not quite right?
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Is it only Roger who's allowed to
take the p*ss offer constructive criticism?
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Sorry, Malc - you're welcome to as well. ..0
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I'm now extremely suspicious when, after a couple of days of silence on this site, I'm then asked for my opinion on something!
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How about having a thread where aspiring strip writers can put forward story-line ideas, and experts like Roger, can say why they would or wouldn't work?
Here's one I've just thought up:
Bloke (in flat cap) leaning on a pub bar, says to barman: "And then I said "If that's your attitude, I'm never drinking here again".
Another guy walks in saying "Hey, Arny - any idea why the landlord of your usual boozer's throwing an impromptu party?"
Would that work, and if not, what's not quite right?
It`s the flat cap that`s all wrong - you need a wooly toque
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I'm now extremely suspicious when, after a couple of days of silence on this site, I'm then asked for my opinion on something!
I'm aspiring to be as good as yourself, Roger, and I want to be able to feed you ideas to make your life easier.
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Roger, if it's any consolation I'm not in on this either, so it may be a joke played on me, along the lines of "let's ask for some help from Roger on punchlines and see how long before Malky chimes in".
Thought I was to dumb to notice that one, eh, lads? Well you've got to be up early in the morning to get one step ahead of the Gookster.
But to the punchline: Peeps, it's a little wordy and it needs a middle step to take the audience through the gag...
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Roger, if it's any consolation I'm not in on this either, so it may be a joke played on me, along the lines of "let's ask for some help from Roger on punchlines and see how long before Malky chimes in".
Thought I was to dumb to notice that one, eh, lads? Well you've got to be up early in the morning to get one step ahead of the Gookster.
But to the punchline: Peeps, it's a little wordy and it needs a middle step to take the audience through the gag...
Thanks, Malc. My thoughts were that there was too big a gap between the two conversations ... you've put exactly what I meant succintly.
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That's really interesting. Of course, it needs a third frame. I was just wondering how the master would revise it to make it work perfectly.
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I'd shred it.
Only joking but Malc's right about the wordiness of the punchline. These are difficult to get right when you're having to explain the scenario in them and, in this case, you're having to explain about three things. (That the speaker has just passed a pub, that the landlord has thrown an impromptu party and that it's "Arny's" usual haunt).
The BASIC idea is not too bad.
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I'd shred it. No, I'm not only joking. Playing editor is fun!
'Convoluted' is the word everyone's looking for, I think.
Do try again though, Mr Peepmaster (I know you can do much better - and you do too).
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Panel One - Bloke (in flat cap) leaning on a pub bar, saying to barman: "Then I said "If that's your attitude, you won't see me again".
Chalkie walks through the door, saying: "Just been past your old boozer, Arny"
"How come the landlord's throwing a party?"
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Perhaps we should have a go at five strips for Roger's idea of Dennis "Missing, Presumed Dead".
I'll go first.
SERGEANT BIDET (late at night, to Beau Peep who is in his pyjamas): Dennis is still missing.
BEAU PEEP (face intent, getting dressed into his uniform): Can't sit here and do nothing.
SERGEANT BIDET (surprised): You're going out there to get him?
BEAU PEEP: No, I'm going to get Mad Pierre to go out there and get him.
Surely someone can continue with something better.
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Can we just ruin one bloke's career at a time, please?
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Notice how there was no superfluous tree branch in the background. Mine is minimalist humour.
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Oh, now we're getting down to the real issue. You had it in for that branch didn't you?
Roger liked it and you were jealous...
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Mine is minimalist humour.
Never a truer word was spoked.
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I thought it was a brave effort, apart from the wording.
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Which?
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How come we have branched out of the topic
Lets get back to the root of the subject
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I thought it was a brave effort, apart from the wording.
K-CHINGGG!
Ah, yes - you're right, Peepsie. I've changed my mind. It's marvellous! Far better than anything you could have come up with.
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I need lessons from the master.
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Bit busy at the moment. Roger, can you help?
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I'm not sure at this moment who I'm supposed to be helping and with what.
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Frame 1: (Our man is thinking) "I want to rich and famous."
Frame 2: (Light bulb thought) "I know, I'll be a cartoonist. That's an easy life."
Frame 3: (Now he's thinking seriously) "All I need is the basic idea."
Frame 4: "Got it!" (We see he has written on a piece of paper, "Shuggie and Duggie"
Good eh?
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Roger, I think you should start taking things easy at your age. Maybe you need an ideas team to work as a think-tank, generating possible concepts that you could just buff-up and turn into shape. You're doing far too much alone.
If you ever decide to employ such a team - I'd like to be considered.
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For what?
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"Shuggie and Duggie"
Good eh?
No.
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Panel One - Bloke (in flat cap) leaning on a pub bar, saying to barman: "Then I said "If that's your attitude, you won't see me again".
Chalkie walks through the door, saying: "Just been past your old boozer, Arny"
"How come the landlord's throwing a party?"
Much better! You're not quite in the think-tank yet but you're in the think-bowl.
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I've amended the first frame, to make it clearer it's a pub he's talking about.
Panel One - Bloke (in flat cap) leaning on a pub bar, saying to barman: "Then I said "If that's your attitude, I won't be drinking here again".
Chalkie walks through the door, saying: "Just been past your old boozer, Arny"
"How come the landlord's throwing a party?"
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Yep. Even better.
Okay, there is a slight complication with this. We're talking about Andy Capp (I've worked out) and we KNOW his regular pub. Not only that, but the landlord, Jack, is a regular in the strip so that causes a problem. Is Jack the landlord of the pub Andy no longer goes to or the landlord Andy is complaining to?
I still like the basic idea and am tempted to use it in a different area. Perhaps the mother-in-law thing.
Andy talking to Jack at the bar: "...so the the whole thing came to a head tonight---I'm never going to speak to Flo's mum again. Let's see how she handles that!"
Chalkie enters. " That's weird---your mother-in-law just kissed me."
NAH! Still not right but there's something there...
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So you didn't like mine.
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I've amended the first frame, to make it clearer it's a paub he's talking about.
Look, I know I'm half-Chinese and NOT a cartoonist, but what the **** is a 'paub'?
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Yep. Even better.
Okay, there is a slight complication with this. We're talking about Andy Capp (I've worked out) and we KNOW his regular pub. Not only that, but the landlord, Jack, is a regular in the strip so that causes a problem. Is Jack the landlord of the pub Andy no longer goes to or the landlord Andy is complaining to?
I still like the basic idea and am tempted to use it in a different area. Perhaps the mother-in-law thing.
Andy talking to Jack at the bar: "...so the the whole thing came to a head tonight---I'm never going to speak to Flo's mum again. Let's see how she handles that!"
Chalkie enters. " That's weird---your mother-in-law just kissed me."
NAH! Still not right but there's something there...
He's in the new pub, Roger. Obviously a very distinctive different landlord, and a different decor. Of course, it's only a short-lived fall-out.
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I've amended the first frame, to make it clearer it's a paub he's talking about.
Look, I know I'm half-Chinese and NOT a cartoonist, but what the **** is a 'paub'?
It's a pub. Or at least an anagram of "a pub".
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He's in the new pub, Roger. Obviously a very distinctive different landlord, and a different decor.
Look at that - he's only been in the self-appointed job five minutes and he's causing the artist extra hassle.
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I've amended the first frame, to make it clearer it's a paub he's talking about.
Look, I know I'm half-Chinese and NOT a cartoonist, but what the **** is a 'paub'?
It's a pub. Or at least an anagram of "a pub".
Ah, so. It's a 'a pub'!
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So you didn't like mine.
It was perfect and required no comment.
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So you didn't like mine.
It was perfect and required no comment.
Crawler!
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So you didn't like mine.
It was perfect and required no comment.
I agree.
Even banality has its own state of perfection.
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So you didn't like mine.
It was perfect and required no comment.
You're being sarcastic now, aren't you?
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Banality Man.