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You're spot on, Diane - we've now whittled it down to the four FIFA top-ranked teams before the tournament even started (although the top three have shuffled a bit, but England remain in 4th place). Which basically means the past month has been a complete waste of time, and I've been depriving myself of sleep for nothing so far. I think Haaaaaaland wasn't well. Why else would you hook the best striker on the planet with 15 minutes left to grab an equaliser, when he'd hardly done anything throughout the game?

Being a football fan is suffering 90 mins of anxiety and generally a feeling of disappointment. 

  Welcome to the world of Scotland fans everywhere, Diane - in my case (and no doubt, Roger's) for well over half a century.

Who am I supporting now? Well, I always say never write off the Germans, since I'm half Deutsch. But I'm afraid the horse bolted on that one weeks ago now. So it has to be Argentina for me. They've always been very welcoming to Germans, particularly after World War Two.

> Who is everyone rooting for now?

The rain.

England are through?! Inconceivable!

I said to Tarks that Scotland got knocked back to factory settings.

It didn't go down too well.

It was actually equally as funny as your other joke.

You know who they are playing? Compared to me you're a football fanatic.