1. I discovered a substance that had no mass, and I was like "0mg!"
2. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
3. I need constant reassurance, right?
4. There are two types of people in the world: those who need closure
5. My wife accused me of being immature so I told her to get out of my fort.
6. How did no one realise communism was a bad idea; there were so many red flags!
7. Moses was the first person to use Ctrl C as a shortcut.
8. What you call the genocide of a thousand snowmen, I call a field of carrots.
9. Don't date a tennis player: once they've scored, it's not love anymore.
10. I have daily sex. I mean dyslexia.
11. Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
12. I for one like Roman numerals.
13. Four thirds of people have trouble with fractions.
14. My three greatest regrets in life are not getting enough sleep, and not learning to count.
15. I hate being bipolar: it's awesome.
16. Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and he doesn't.
17. I saw a sign on a door that said "must remain closed at all times". I was like, dude, you're thinking of a wall.
18. My grandmother would roll over in her ditch if she knew how much we spent on her funeral.
19. I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
20. I wanted to comfort a grammar Nazi, so I said, "Their, there, they're."
