Jokes for the Lockdown

[Mince]

1. Teacher: "Name two pronouns."  Child: "Who? Me?"

2. A woman walks into a library and asks whether they have any books about paranoia, and the librarian says, "They're right behind you!"

3. Dr Frankenstein entered a body building contest. Upon arrival, he realised he misunderstood the objective.

4. "What rhymes with orange?" / "No it doesn't" / "What do you mean? Does nothing rhyme with orange?" / "No... that doesn't rhyme either."

5. Have you ever seen the clown that hides from idiots?

6. I used to be a schizophrenic but thanks to psychiatry we're both cured now.

7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

8. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two.

9. My friend told me I didn't know the meaning of 'ironic', which was ironic because we were at a train station.

10. I want to say thank you to everyone who has explained the definition of "many" to me. It means a lot.

11. Russian newscaster: "Yesterday, the perfidious Chinese aggressor opened fire on a peacefully ploughing soviet tractor at the border. Our tractor instantly returned fire, then took off and flew away."

12. My friend was about to get attacked by a duck. I tried to warn him, but it only made it worse.

13. 9/11 jokes are not funny, but the other two are hilarious.

14. I had a friend with a personalised licence plate: 2QAYL. It took me awhile.

15. Ever noticed how glass tastes like blood?

16. A Roman man walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please."

17. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, "Thanks." I said, "Don't mention it."

18. If I saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd just start shouting out letters.

19. I send Get Well Soon cards to all my friends who get their water shut off.

20. A nurse pulls a thermometer out of her pocket and thinks to herself "Some asshole has my pen."

21. A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book about Pavlov and Schrödinger?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if we have it or not."

22. This is not really a joke, but you will always this read wrong.

23. "By the power vested in me I now pronounce you man and wife." No one could stop him from changing how words sound, if man and wife know what I mean.

24. Rabbit starts with a R and ends with an E.

25. Dark humour is like food: some people just don't get it.

26. Wanna know what I hate the most about anticlimaxes? I dunno.

27. How do you milk a sheep? Bring out a new iPhone.

28. I asked my friend what you would get if you crossed an elephant with a rhino, and he said, "Hell if I know".

29. Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.

30. A duck is waiting to cross the road when a chicken runs up to him and says,"Don't do it, man! You'll never hear the end of it!"

[Bilthehut]

If we are ever allowed back into a lift with other people, try one of these...

1.   Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2.   Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3.   Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you, just SHUT UP!"
4.   Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5.   Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6.   On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7.   Shave.
8.   Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9.   Offer name-tags to everyone getting on the elevator.  Wear your upside-down.
10.   Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11.   When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.   Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13.   Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14.   One word: Flatulence!
15.   On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16.   Do Tai Chi exercises.
17.   Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18.   When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19.   Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20.   Meow occasionally.
21.   Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22.   Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23.   Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24.   Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25.   Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26.   Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27.   Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28.   Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29.   Leave a box between the doors.
30.   Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31.   Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32.   Start a sing-along.
33.   When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34.   Play the accordion.
35.   Shadow box.
36.   Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37.   Lean against the button panel.
38.   Say, "I wonder what all these do?", and then push ALL the red buttons.
39.   Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40.   Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41.   Bring a chair along.
42.   Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43.   Blow spit bubbles.
44.   Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45.   Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46.   Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47.   Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48.   Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49.   Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50.   If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!".

[Bilthehut]

Why We Love Children

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. 
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. 
“You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 
"You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


A small boy is sent to bed by his father.  Five minutes later..."Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance.  Lights out."
Five minutes later:  "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY.  Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO!  If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later..."Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"


One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.  She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.  "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:  "The big sissy"


It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.  All the children were invited to come forward.  One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.  Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.  She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, “but what's growing in your butt?"


A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.  Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.  She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.  She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

[Diane CBPFC]

Knock, knock
who's there?


Nobody, because of the covid.
 

[Roger Kettle]

Thanks all!