NTL Complaint Letter

[Mince]

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver

- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,

Yours psychotically

John Doe [editor's note: name changed to protect the innocent]

[Mince]

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee Customer Relations

[Malc]

Any background to these? They're truly wonderful.

"Bunterish lickspittles"...f*cking crapped myself laughing.

[Diane CBPFC]

The tax one made me laugh so much my mascara is running.

[Roger Kettle]

Mine too. Superb stuff.

[Feather]

At first I thought Mince had written another infamous letter to some company expressing his outrage about something or other. He's been known to do that before.   

[Diane CBPFC]

I just had to write a note of complaint myself today - I had bought a series of 9 DVDs on eBay of the PBS show from the mid 80s on the history of the English language as I thought it was facinating when I caught an episode on late night TV once.

I would like a replacement disk for the Muse of Fire. There is about a minute of ancient Egyptian porn spliced in right where there is a sweeping scene of a splendid church interior - it ruins majesty of the moment.

On a similar note:
Any offers for a DVD with one minute of Egyptian porn?

[Malc]

Is that the one where a man locates the Cleotoris?

Where Cleopatra's bedroom has a sign saying
Toot n' Come In"?

Where the contortionist performs hieroglyphs AND loweroglyphs?

[The Peepmaster]

No - he just gives Cleo the needle, and plays with her pyramids.

[Diane CBPFC]

To quote from Midsummer Night's Dream: I am amazed
and know not what to say. You're the first person who has pointed
this out. I suspect it's a scholarly program, but wholly out of place.
I'll revise the master copy ASAP.

All's well that ends well.

The porn was over just before it was getting interesting.

Whoever would have thought that ancient Egyptian porn would ever be a subject on the Beau Peep website?

[The Peepmaster]

I would like a replacement disk for the Muse of Fire. There is about a minute of ancient Egyptian porn spliced in right where there is a sweeping scene of a splendid church interior - it ruins majesty of the moment.

Quite right. If they can strip out the boring bit about church interiors, it should make interesting viewing.

[Malc]

They should call it Pews Of Fire.

[Zesty White]

Hilarious letters. Those should keep me in insults for a while....

Check this too. Took me a while to realise I had to manually shuffle through the pictures at the top, but still hilarious....
 
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html

[Mince]

I read some of the NTL letter to some of my students, and they just stared at me with blank faces.

[The Peepmaster]

I had reason to call a credit card company yesterday, who had for reasons known only to them, cancelled a direct debit arrangement.

On my high horse, I demanded to speak to the person who had signed the letter - a big knob in Barclays. (Of course I knew that actually being put through to the token signatory wouldn't be possible, but I wanted to play the game for a bit.

After a short while, during which the poor girl had politely explained numerous times that being transferred to the aforementioned big knob wouldn't be possible, I learned that she was in fact speaking to me from Manila.

Of course, at this moment my heart melted, and we spent the next 10 minutes talking about the various Philippines islands, and having a very enjoyable and charming conversation.