Guess who's coaching soccer this year?

[Diane CBPFC]

Yes it's me.

They had nobody willing to coach the teens - who are generally a motley group of couch-potato smart arses up to age 18 years old.

I am a fat, cranky oldish lady with a bone spur and little interest in outdoor activies but I'm the best hope they have.

But at least I have people skills and can make a natty team banner.

Maybe Malc could throw a few phrases my way that would impress the kids and lead them to think that I know what I'm doing?

[Tom]

Here's a starter for you, Diane:

"If you win, you'd be really good!"

There's motivation! And it touches the ego.

Don't ask me about football though.

[Diane CBPFC]

I like that Tom!  As they probably will not win, it can still be used at the start of a game.

[Roger Kettle]

Diane, you have to chew a lot of gum and shout things like "MAN ON!"
Although, not if you're playing against gay vampires.

[Malc]

Diane, I'm now a director of coaching (yes, any chance to big note myself) and I often only have thirty seconds or so to squeeze in some advice to a team I don't know.

Here are some basic question-answer bullet points designed for junior teams mostly consisting of too-cool-for-school idiots. You basically put the question and let them answer it (usually they're wrong) then you supply them with the answer, allowing you to look all Obi Wan Kenobi and stuff.

1) What do we do when they've got the ball?
Mark players. Closest to the ball quickly closes down the opponent. Everyone else marks.

2) What do we do when WE'VE got the ball?
Find space. Lose your marker, make yourself available.

3) If you're the first tackler, is it your job to win the ball?
No. It's your job to close the player and stop their forward movement. Jockey them, attempt to win if possible, but force them into a bad pass so a #2 tackler can intercept.

[Malc]

If you had no time to give any other advice, those are the Big Three. Everything else is stuff for the training ground, and you would be amazed at how many teams playing at the highest level don't follow those three rules. I've even watched Premier League teams who can't seem to manage it. They're usually not Premier League for long, mind.

[Diane CBPFC]

Thanks Malc - that sounds good. This is a fun league that only plays once a week for 8 weeks each year - I think the best they can learn to do is spread out and pass well.

[Joan]

Good luck, Diane! Rather you than me.  Are they male or female ... or a mixture?  Good grief!

[Diane CBPFC]

It's really hard to tell Joan.

[Jack]

"If in doubt, kick it out!"

That's the only defensive tip I remember.

Besides, it rhymes, so it has to be true.

[Fyodor]

Diane, will you be knitting their strips?

[The Peepmaster]

It's always good to see someone imparting wisdom, and another benefitting from that advice, so I'm sure Diane will help Malcolm hugely.

Diane - be sure to get to know at least the basics of the game. (It can be very embarrassing if you continually shout "handball" when the goalie picks it up, for example.)

[Malc]

....and remember you can't be offside from a throw-in.

Here in Oz, where so many parents are from non-soccer backgrounds, you get a bit fed up of hearing refs being called 'umpires' and linesmen called 'touch judges'. Headers are referred to as 'head butts' and free kicks are described as 'penalties'.
'Kicking the ball long' is a virtue here as well as putting in a 'big hit' on an opponent.
Attending an 'A' League game (our equivalent of the EPL) is incredibly frustrating. The spectators are more than 50% curious onlookers who spend the whole ninety minutes getting up for beer and fries. You spend the whole game getting up and sitting down for yet another idiot who wants to squeeze by on their way to the bar, and the ignorant comments from people behind you ('kick it to the goal, kick it to the GOAL!!!') have to be heard to be believed.
One of the reasons I love coming back to the UK is simply the shared understanding of football.

[Diane CBPFC]

Bleeding amateurs eh Malc. “It should be Kick it into the goal” shouldn’t it.

[Joan]