One of my nails got buffed today.

[Roger Kettle]

I was walking through a shopping centre/mall in Dundee today when a young, extremely attractive, olive-skinned lady jumped out and asked me if I was married. "Not at all", I said. "Never have been and she's not called Mary". It turned out she was trying to sell me some nail-polishing stuff and insisted on demonstrating its qualities on the index finger of my left hand. So there I stood, getting my fingernail buffed in the middle of a shopping mall, surrounded by a crowd of curious onlookers. I have to admit my cuticle was shining like a diamond but that's not the point. "How much is this stuff?" I asked. " A thousand pounds" she breathed in my ear "but that includes me." (This is absolutely true). I absolutely exploded with laughter at this point!
Anyway, every single member of my family is getting a nail-polishing kit for Christmas this year.

[Diane CBPFC]

 

I got grabbed in the mall - THE West Edmonton Mall - and was given a very nice ringlet curl on one side of my head. I think that was about $150 for the curling iron so passed on the offer. I did feel special all day though.

[Fyodor]

I once had my teapot spout polished free of charge by a chap from Bolivia.

[Diamond Lil]

Anyway, every single member of my family is getting a nail-polishing kit for Christmas this year.

Hope you got one for yourself because coincidentally I've got you that top-of-the-range nail varnish you like

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

I was walking through a shopping centre/mall in Dundee today when a young, extremely attractive, olive-skinned lady jumped out and asked me if I was married. "Not at all", I said. "Never have been and she's not called Mary". It turned out she was trying to sell me some nail-polishing stuff and insisted on demonstrating its qualities on the index finger of my left hand. So there I stood, getting my fingernail buffed in the middle of a shopping mall, surrounded by a crowd of curious onlookers. I have to admit my cuticle was shining like a diamond but that's not the point. "How much is this stuff?" I asked. " A thousand pounds" she breathed in my ear "but that includes me." (This is absolutely true). I absolutely exploded with laughter at this point!
Anyway, every single member of my family is getting a nail-polishing kit for Christmas this year.

And just how do you intend explaining that thousand pound hole in your joint bank account to Mary, hmm?

[Roger Kettle]

Joint account? You're a cartoonist, Tarks---don't you have a Platinum Emperor Cartoonist Account?

[The Peepmaster]

I find it quite intrusive when a total stranger comes up and harangues me in the street - whether it's a survey, or they're trying to flog goods etc. It can happen anywhere. It usually occurs near the supermarket, but last week one young lady tried to grab me by the cobblers. I don't find it pleasant at all.

[Max]

Getting grabbed by the cobblers is the "last" straw I think. 

[Bilthehut]

No, the other extremity is the 'last' straw.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Joint account? You're a cartoonist, Tarks---don't you have a Platinum Emperor Cartoonist Account?

Natch! But I use it for business transactions only. Then again, I may have misread the situation here...

[Vulture]

I once had my teapot spout polished free of charge by a chap from Bolivia.

What is 'my teapot spout' a euphamism for?  <<after all, this is a lads forum!>>

[Fyodor]

As with so many lads' things, it's difficult to explain o' feathered one, but I'd be only too happy to show you at your convenience.

[Bilthehut]

She has her own convenience?

[Vulture]

She has her own convenience?

I do! I do! But it's a Ladies only!