Toast Matters 2

[Diane CBPFC]

Our Toastmasters group is doing a second evening of “jokes and hot buttered toast” – it will be open to the community (advertised even) and open mic.

This is happening in two weeks – so I need your best jokes once again please.

Last year we raised quite a lot of groceries for the food bank.

[Bilthehut]

THERMODYNAMICS
A retiring professor of Physical Chemistry at RMCS Shrivenham was setting his last exam for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics.  Being a bit bored, and having a wry sense of humor, he set a single question:
“Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?  Justify your answer.”
He had little idea what to expect, nor how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who produced a reasonable and consistent reply.
Most of the students wrote proofs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.  The top student however wrote as follows:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.  If they do, then a mole of souls also has mass.  At what rate are souls moving into hell, and at what rate are they leaving?  I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, then it will not leave, therefore no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, we must examine the different religions which exist today.  Some of these state that if you are not a member of the religion, then you will go to hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can assume that all people and all souls go to hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can thus expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now we must examine the rate of change of volume in hell.  Boyle's law states that for the temperature and pressure in hell to remain constant, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume also must remain constant.  There are thus two possible conditions:
1.   If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2.   Conversely, if hell is expanding at a faster rate than the rate of increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
We can now solve the problem with the 1990 postulation of Theresa Simmond, the girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence.  Since I have not yet been successful in having sexual relations with her, condition (2) above has not been met.  Thus, condition (1) is true, and hell is exothermic.
He was awarded the only A grade.

[Bilthehut]

How Smart is Your Right Foot?
 
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.
 
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it

[Bilthehut]

Engineers and Managers
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.  He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help?  I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You're between 40 and 41 degrees north, 59 and 60 degrees west."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost.  Frankly, you've not been much help at all.  If anything you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded: "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.  You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.  You make a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.  The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

Nice one, Bill.

Thermodynamics...simply hilarious.

Managers...simply true.

 

[Diane CBPFC]

How Smart is Your Right Foot?
 
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.
 
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it

Oh, that is weird. Now I am wondering about doing a few along this line - a January work out/creep out kind of thing. Any more?

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

How Smart is Your Right Foot?
 
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.
 
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it

Oh, that is weird. Now I am wondering about doing a few along this line - a January work out/creep out kind of thing. Any more?

It is weird, Diane. I thought it was caused by a lower intelligence, Then I discovered Stephen Hawking couldn't do it either. I don't feel so daft now.

Phew.

 

[Roger Kettle]

How Smart is Your Right Foot?
 
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.
 
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it

Just what I needed---something else in life to annoy me.

[Malc]

I do the foot rotation/number 6 thing quite easily. But then again, I can play the drums, which is all about being able to separate actions and timings.

Or was this all a bout getting people to sit at their desks looking like dicks?

[Mince]

I do the foot rotation/number 6 thing quite easily. But then again, I can play the drums, which is all about being able to separate actions and timings.

Or was this all a bout getting people to sit at their desks looking like dicks?

And I bet you can do that quite easily as well. 

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

I do the foot rotation/number 6 thing quite easily. But then again, I can play the drums, which is all about being able to separate actions and timings.

Or was this all a bout getting people to sit at their desks looking like dicks?

I was practising and still having difficulty. Once I realised my shoe laces were tied together, it made such a difference.

[Diane CBPFC]

I do the foot rotation/number 6 thing quite easily. But then again, I can play the drums, which is all about being able to separate actions and timings.

Or was this all a bout getting people to sit at their desks looking like dicks?

That would work too - get them to laugh at themselves and cut out the middleman.

[Diane CBPFC]

I do the foot rotation/number 6 thing quite easily. But then again, I can play the drums, which is all about being able to separate actions and timings.

Or was this all a bout getting people to sit at their desks looking like dicks?

I was practising and still having difficulty. Once I realised my shoe laces were tied together, it made such a difference.

Awww, I best take scisssors.

[Mince]

Awww, I best take scisssors.

To uncut the ssssshoelaces?

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

Awww, I best take scisssors.

To uncut the ssssshoelaces?

Ssstop being sssilly.