Football

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

I'm stuffed then. I've slept thousands! 

[Mince]

If I had a pound for every time I've heard that from you, I'd be very fat.

Well, I just cooked a soup/stew/mess of vegetables from leftovers in the freezer, and it smelled lovely; then I noticed some quorn in it, which contains egg and milk. Had it been meat, I would have thrown it all away. But quorn? Sigh. I threw it all away. I'm currently making a second batch, this time checked for quorn from the past.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

You threw away perfectly decent food because it had QUORN in it?

Mad Pierre has nothing on you! 

[Mince]

It was a shame, because it smelt so god, but these things have to be done. The next batch smells even better.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

I hate myself for even asking, but what on Ereath is the lethal killer ingredient in Quorn?

[Mince]

Well . . .

then I noticed some quorn in it, which contains egg and milk

Apparently, if you eat too much Quorn, you end up thinking you live on a planet called 'Ereath'. Having said that, not eating it has not made me any the less annoyingly sarcastic.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Egg and milk? Phew - for a nasty moment I thought you were going to say arsenic and cyanide.

So what percentage of this feast of leftovers you binned do you estimate was actually composed of the deadly combination of egg and milk?

I never noticed your sarcasm before.

[Mince]

Egg and milk? Phew - for a nasty moment I thought you were going to say arsenic and cyanide.

Actually, eggs and milk are quite safe. You can eat eggs and milk for decades and nothing bad happens. The same is true of smoking and asbestos. Of course, there are statistics and studies that suggest otherwise, but they're not to be believed, because they've only been studied over a few decades and only on half a million people. Apparently the EPIC study (that's the half a million people) shows that eating half an egg a day has the same risk as smoking five cigarettes a day since the age of 15. But don't believe them. Scientists lie with statistics.

Actually, I think that was sarcasm, though I can't be sure.

[Mince]

So what percentage of this feast of leftovers you binned do you estimate was actually composed of the deadly combination of egg and milk?

Enough for you to argue that I have 'lapsed'.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

So what percentage of this feast of leftovers you binned do you estimate was actually composed of the deadly combination of egg and milk?

Enough for you to argue that I have 'lapsed'.

You judge me by your own pettifoggery.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Egg and milk? Phew - for a nasty moment I thought you were going to say arsenic and cyanide.

Actually, eggs and milk are quite safe. You can eat eggs and milk for decades and nothing bad happens. The same is true of smoking and asbestos. Of course, there are statistics and studies that suggest otherwise, but they're not to be believed, because they've only been studied over a few decades and only on half a million people. Apparently the EPIC study (that's the half a million people) shows that eating half an egg a day has the same risk as smoking five cigarettes a day since the age of 15. But don't believe them. Scientists lie with statistics.

Actually, I think that was sarcasm, though I can't be sure.

No, actually that's a whole baleful of straw...man.

[Mince]

I really ought to see how Dundee are getting on.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Well, as you are no doubt accutely aware, Mincey, Dundee lost this afternoon by the odd goal in three away to Hamilton Academicals. Dundee United, on the other hand, well...no, they lost 0-2 at home to Inverness Caledonian Thistle. Meanwhile, my beloved St Johnstone lost 3-0 at Kilmarnock. A pretty depressing day all round for the Taysde clubs. Sorry to be the bearer of such terrible news for all those less in the know than our Mince.

[Redundant]

It was a shame, because it smelt so god

But did it bring you any closer?

[Mince]

Yes, we had a few beers together and watched Quorntum of Solace. And yes he pointed out that my jokes were getting worse.