Narwhals versus Giant Octopuses.

[Roger Kettle]

I'm not sure if these denizens of The Deep have ever met in mortal combat but I couldn't help wondering who would win. Octopuses are supposed to be extremely intelligent, have remarkable mobility and, obviously, possess eight different ways of punching an opponent in the mouth. On the other hand, Narwhals have a big, pointy thing. I've given this a lot of thought but, frankly, it's too close to call for me.

[The Peepmaster]

It's a whole different world beneath the waves, Roger. That's part of the intrigue. I love seafood, and have been out in compact, sloked, fishing boats helping get the langoustines, squat lobsters and crabs from the creels. I'm a bit squeamish about cooking the prawns live, I have to admit.

I had squid cooked in their own ink when in the Far East. I'm sure I chewed on some gristly bits I shouldn't have. That's me though - the adventurous diner.

Anyway, I think the octopuses would win, as they'd have the more able goalkeeper.

[Roger Kettle]

Yes, but what about the narwhals' pointy bit? I don't think you've thought this through.

[The Peepmaster]

Yes, but what about the narwhals' pointy bit? I don't think you've thought this through.

The pointy, prodular bit, looks odd, like its been glued on! They'd continually be caught offside, mainly due to that "pointy bit", so even if they did get past the Octopus goalie, it would all be in vain.

[Roger Kettle]

Peeps, I'm disappointed that you haven't taken this seriously. Your premise is based, ludicrously, on narwhals not being au fait with the offside rule. Grow up, man.

[peter]

Peeps, I'm disappointed that you haven't taken this seriously. Your premise is based, ludicrously, on narwhals not being au fait with the offside rule. Grow up, man.

Point taken.

[The Peepmaster]

Peeps, I'm disappointed that you haven't taken this seriously. Your premise is based, ludicrously, on narwhals not being au fait with the offside rule. Grow up, man.

Point taken.

Roger, they're known for being particularly prone to being caught offside.

[peter]

Roger, they're known for being particularly prone to being caught offside.

Is that the port or larboard side never could figure that out.

[Mince]

Octopuses ... possess eight different ways of punching an opponent in the mouth.

But some of the tentacles are needed to manoeuvre, so that brings the average down a bit.

It's a good question. I like it.

[Mince]

Has the octopus had training in tentacle-to-tentacle combat?

[Mince]

I think the octopus would lure the narwhal into the sunken wreck of a ship and then perform a kind of bull-fighting ploy to trick the narwhal into harpooning itself into solid wood. Then the octopus could take its time with the beatings.

[The Peepmaster]

I think the octopus would lure the narwhal into the sunken wreck of a ship and then perform a kind of bull-fighting ploy to trick the narwhal into harpooning itself into solid wood. Then the octopus could take its time with the beatings.

You've been watching too much Tom & Jerry.


I wonder what would be appropriate names for the octopus and narwal...

Ollie and Norrie?

[Roger Kettle]

I used to write "Desert Island Dick" in "The Topper". His best mate, platonically, of course, was Ollie the octopus.

[The Peepmaster]

I used to write "Desert Island Dick" in "The Topper". His best mate, platonically, of course, was Ollie the octopus.

Did all the sea creatures have names? Every shrimp, sand-eel, starfish, plankton, halibut....?

[Mince]

I like the way all my carefully thought-out and comprehensive posts in reply to this question are glossed over and ignored.