Joke

[Vulture]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw
the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie,
and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish,
but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for! The rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least  I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with  servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.  "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying
Each other. The Genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into
her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in Genies?"

[Diamond Lil]

 

[Vulture]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitin me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________ __________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[Vulture]

"No one believes seniors!!!

Sometimes it pays to be old.........

No one believes seniors . . everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"


Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here." "

[Vulture]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff....I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt..So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants....So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....So I did

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy"....And well, here I am.

[Vulture]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a
lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better
education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to
himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the
stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.
Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to
complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and
registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me
go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the
[--word removed--] out of the lawyer and says 'Noo... dae ye want me to stop, or
just slow doon?'

[Vulture]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.


 


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk.



                                                                                                                         

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[madjock]

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of anything apart from Stella.
"Ok" the barman says "but why not Stella?"
"Well" says the man, "When i got home last night, after drinking 12 pints of Stella, i found out i was f*****g skint!"
"You would be skint after drinking 12 pints of Stella sir!" replied the barman.
"No you idiot, Skint is the name of my Jack Russell"

[The Peepmaster]

Please use the expression "tenderly making love to Skint", as this is a family forum. I pointed this out yesterday.

[madjock]

True, but at least this time I used "*******" instead of the actual words 

[peter]

True, but at least this time i used "*******" instead of the actual words 

But you still used the small I.

[The Peepmaster]

I think we should have you in charge of grammar, Peter.

[peter]

I think we should have you in charge of grammar, Peter.

I am already looking after Minces Grandma.

[peter]

All those who say i =
All them whom say I =

[madjock]

How to get rid of Telesales Callers

1. Say, ?No,? over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they?re trying to speak. Maybe sing a song with all ?No?s? This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
 
2. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could it. Ask, ?How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like that other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy??

3. If they start out with, ?How are you today?? say, ?Why do you want to know?? Or you can say, ?I?m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my colon is acting up again, my rectum is sore, my pet rock just died?? When they try to get back to the sales process, just keep talking about your problems? if they persist - ask them why they don?t care.

4. If the person says he?s Joe Shmoe from the Acme Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask for his address. Ask for landmarks. Continue asking questions about the company for as long as necessary.
 
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: ?Hi, my name is Jessica and I?m with Roger Dodd Services?. You: ?Hang on a second.? (few seconds pause) ?Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing??

6. If you get one of those pushy sales people who just won?t shut up, patiently listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the deal, tell them that you?ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, go shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
 
7. If a long distance phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, ?I don?t have any friends? would you be my friend?? If that doesn?t work, say ?Please.?

8. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. For example: Telemarketer: ?This is John From Acme Sales.?
You: ?Acme Sales, hey I work for them too! Which centre are you calling from??
Telemarketer: ?Uh, London.?
You: ?Great, how?s business over there? The weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.?

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional ?Uh-huh, really, or, ?That?s fascinating.? Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn?t give your credit card number to someone who?s a complete stranger. You might even find your soulmate.
 
10. Tell the telemarketer  you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers). If the sales person says, ?Well, I don?t really want to get a call at home,? say, ?Ya! Now you know how I feel.? (smiling, of course?)