Laptop Thingie

[Roger Kettle]

I now have a laptop. It has no mouse. It's weird and has different wotsits. I could't even get it open and had to call my son. I wish I was cool.

[Malc]

I spent Christmas day at a mate's house and he showed me his laptop, his GPS, his bluetooth and a few other things. We even connected up a printer to print off a few copies of superb photo-quality images he took with his digital camera. It was the most technical Christmas I've ever had.

The GPS is what grooved my missus. She and I have been close to divorce many times over navigation issues, and she was particularly turned on by the 3D facility on the GPS which allows you to see the route from street level whilst an interactive voice talks you to your destination.

Great. Just what we need, another excuse for her to drive around all day doing bugger all, not looking at the road and talking.

[Roger Kettle]

Malc, I'm surprised you could concentrate on anything this Christmas. Where you live, the sound of laughter at the English crcket team must be deafening.

[Malc]

To be honest, what's been missing is the real sense of competition this year.
What with the popularity of the Barmy Army over here and jokey press conferences there doesn't seem to be any "bite" in cricket between England and Australia any more.

Having said that, to see the Aussie team go absolutely ape over winning back the Ashes was a mystery.
It's one trophy, contested by only two teams, for god's sake.

[Mince]

How is the laptop going?

[Roger Kettle]

It's going very well, thank you, Mince. I can now open it.

[Mince]

But can you turn it on by yourself?

[Roger Kettle]

I am hopeless with computers.
I have never been able to drive a car.
I am useless at D.I.Y.
Isn't my wife a lucky, lucky woman?
I DO make good soup.
My wife doesn't like soup.

[Mince]

Wow! That's such a coincidence. We could start a club, apart from the fact that I can drive a car. And of course I can use and program computers. But apart from that, oh, and the cupboards I built and the many shelves I have put up, and the computer room I designed and built from scratch for my students.

Er, how do you make good soup . . . ?

[Fyodor]

I teach soup making. I run a 30 second course for people who can't open tins.

[Roger Kettle]

Mince, here's a soup recipe for you, using...um...mince.
Brown half a pound of mince in a pan. No need for oil. Add a coiple of pints of beef stock (A stock cube wil do). Wash half a dozen new potatoes, cut in half and add to pot. Simmer gently for two hours. Drain a tin of cut green beans and add at the last minute. Season to taste and serve. There you go. It's lucky your nickname is Mince. I don't have any soup recipes that contain Malcolm.

[Malc McG]

On the other hand, Malcolm has contained a lot of soup.

Malcolm likes soup.

[Roger Kettle]

Malcolm in the Noodle.
This is an extremely clever soup pun on ""Malcolm in the Middle", a popular television show.

[Roger Kettle]

It was either that or Malcomstrone.

[Mince]

My mother gave me her very own soup recipe when I was young. It's a family secret so don't go spreading it around.

1. open tin;
2. heat contents.