Beau Peep Notice Board
Beau Peep Notice Board => Outpourings => Topic started by: Mince on August 31, 2009, 04:59:38 PM
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Let's see how good you all are at jokes.
I want a joke about all of these:
1. a blind Jesus
2. Michael Jackson as a guardian angel or invisible playmate
3. iPhones and Toilets
4. Isambard Kingdom Brunel and 2012 Olympics
5. World Cup and Halloween
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What do you call a man with an inability to write his own jokes?
Mince
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Gosh, that sounds fun! I'd love to spend a few hours thinking up jokes!
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Gosh, that sounds fun! I'd love to spend a few hours thinking up jokes!
Well, maybe you ought to try it one day!
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Oh, I don't know. Maybe. Tell you what, Mincey---let's hear YOUR ideas.
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I hate the fact that I've bothered about this...
1) " In front of me are 7000 loaves and 500 fishes..."
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1) Jesus: "Damn, I forgot guide dogs can't walk on water."
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1. Roman to Jesus: "No, really, we're building a big wooden house out of huge wooden crosses. Just carry that over there - follow the sounds of the others - and then come back for the next one."
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3. iPhones and Toilets - "And it comes complete with its very own carrying case."
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4) Isambard Kingdom Brunel on the phone: "Hello?... 2012 Olympics Committee?... Listen, I'm very unhappy to hear that bridge-building hasn't made it into Olympic sports yet again!
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Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A. Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
One fine day a chicken walked into a library and said BUCK (book); so the librarian gave the chicken a book. The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK, so the librarian gave the bird two books. The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK BUCK, so this time the librarian gave it three books. However the curiosity of the librarian was now aroused and so followed the chicken to see what such a bird wanted with three books. As he saw the chicken come to a stop at the edge of a pond, he saw the chicken pass all three books to a frog, who, while he was looking at them was saying, REDDIT, REDDIT, REDDIT.
Q What is the difference between a poor rifleman and a constipated owl?
A A poor rifleman shoots and can`t hit, an owl hoots but...
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Or a seagull and a baby?
A seagull flits across the shore...
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Or a seagull and a baby?
A seagull flits across the shore...
Or a Cowboy, and a cowgirl.
(One's got a prairie-hat.)
Fanny Craddock and a long distance runner.
(One's a pant in the country.)
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:-\ :-\ :-X :) :D ;D ;D ;D :-[
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a guardian angel says to michael jackson (a couple of years ago ) "michael all your brothers haves wives and your sisters have husbands and even you ex wives have boyfriends ..what about you"
and michael replies"ok i'll have a scout round"
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I found a Dundee United season ticket nailed to a tree today.
I thought, I'm having that.
You can never have too many nails.
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Walking past a cemetry the other day when I saw 6 men carrying a coffin around the graves. I came back later and they were still wandering about.
I thought to myself, "They've lost the plot".
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I stole the plot joke for my nanowrimo group :-)
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I found a Dundee United season ticket nailed to a tree today.
I thought, I'm having that.
You can never have too many nails.
For some reason I was not expecting the ending and that made me laugh out loud. Thanks, Colin.
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I didn't think it was funny in the slightest.
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I found a Dundee United season ticket nailed to a tree today.
I thought, I'm having that.
You can never have too many nails.
For some reason I was not expecting the ending and that made me laugh out loud. Thanks, Colin.
he was not expecting the ending because he has never used one
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I received this by email today:
Fw: The Neologism Contest
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v..), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n..), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness..
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit..)
9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid & an ass hole.
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;D ;D ;D
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I liked: to walk with a lisp ;D
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I liked the Dopeler effect.
'Sarchasm' and 'Giraffiti' were also very good, I thought.
Overall I think I preferred the second list to the first, though 'esplanade' was chuckle-worthy.
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It's all a bit like the book The Meaning Of Liff, where British and Irish town names were given dictionary-type definitions. Douglas Adams co-wrote it, his best work in my opinion.
FRIMLEY (n.)
Exaggerated carefree saunter adopted by Norman Wisdom as an immediate prelude to dropping down an open manhole.
Here's the link to the rest.
http://folk.uio.no/alied/TMoL.html