1. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
2. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
3. I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
4. What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.
5. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
6. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
7. What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
8. The first rule of Alzheimers club is don't talk about chess club.
9. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.
10. It's difficult to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
