A Horace Joke I've Rejected.

[Vulture]

it's not the size, it's what you do with it

I tried that one in my audition for the Cosmo centrefold (I was much younger then). I was shuffled out of there very quickly, I can tell you.

I was shuffling because they wouldn't even let me get my pants back up.

Come on, Malc. I'm always up for a laugh. What were you doing with it?

[The Peepmaster]

He was crying out in agony because the magnifying-glass he'd brought along had accidentally caught, and multiplied, the full power of the lights.

[Mince]

Magnifying glasses only do that in sunlight. To get any heat out of indoor lights, he would have to focus the energy into a very small prick of light.

[The Peepmaster]

Magnifying glasses only do that in sunlight. To get any heat out of indoor lights, he would have to focus the energy into a very small prick of light.

It was focussed into a very small prick. That should have been seen as read. I do try and credit the readers with some  sense and understanding. 

[Mince]

It was focussed into a very small prick.

But the joke was not in your version, merely the idea of something on fire.

That should have been seen as read.

You're just annoyed because my version was better.

[The Peepmaster]

Er... what was the magnifying-glass for then? I hadn't introduced it as a fashion item! 

Dear Mr Mince - somewhere a cloud of plankton is missing a soul-mate. Run along...

[Mince]

Yes, everyone understood what he burnt, but you did not use the phrase "prick of light". I merely capitalised on your poor effort.

[The Peepmaster]

I make great efforts not to offend the ladies, Mince. Would you like some lessons?

[Mince]

I make great efforts not to offend the ladies, Mince.

It's a pity you don't put equal effort into your jokes. I hope I don't always have to finish them off for you.

[The Peepmaster]

You seem to want to scrutinise every teeny, tiny, minute detail of my posts. 

[Mince]

And I wonder who started that little game.

[Malc]

What I was doing with it was....trying to make a hamburger.

If you know anything about Puppetry Of The Penis, you'll understand. Suffice to say mine didn't make quite a quarter pounder, more a chicken McNugget.