In view of the extraordinary weather happening up North, I present this missive I found. I hope you are all well up there.
"OUR FIRST WINTER "
DEC 20TH
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. Shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day, a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight. A couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.
JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel?
JAN 9th
More freaking snow! Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered second degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a bloddy deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th
F****** b******d white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little bugger next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little sods arse it'll take good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the b******d that drives the snowplough, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'bloody' Schumacher and buries the sodding driveway again.
JAN 17th
16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t move my f*****g toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*****g snow forecast.
SOD THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON
