Boring

[Roger Kettle]

This is where I get boring. I WARNED YOU ABOUT THIS!
The author G.K. Chesterton once said that people have been hung on less evidence than there is for the Loch Ness Monster. Strange things have been sighted there for centuries. (This is why it's ridiculous to talk about ONE animal). Over the years, there have been liars, hoaxers and, quite simply, those who have mistaken something perfectly normal for something they WANTED to see. But that doesn't explain the hundreds of rational people--including monks, doctors, experienced locals and respected professionals---who swear they've witnessed something extraordinary in those waters. Loch Ness is 20 odd miles long, 2 miles wide and, at certain points, deeper than than the North Sea. I'm certainly not going to say that it's impossible for some strange animals to be swimming around in there. In 1969, I was driving with friends on the North shore when we saw something weird in the loch. This "thing" disappeared below the surface in seconds and, for all I know, was a trick of the light. We were shaken enough to stop the car at the first opportunity and ask some tourists if they'd seen anything. They hadn't.
I don't know if the Loch Ness Monster exists but I would certainly never say that it doesn't.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

... hundreds of rational people--including monks, doctors, experienced locals and respected professionals---who swear they've witnessed something extraordinary in those waters.

And let us not forget St Columba and Ted Danson!

Actually, I concur with every word Roger writes about this. I've been to Loch Ness many times, and seen nothing out of the ordinary...except a very, very big and beautiful loch. I'm a natural-born believer, and over time have come to the conclusion that the onus is on the sceptics to disprove what they choose not to believe in.

So far, no-one has managed to convince me there is no Loch Ness Monster, that there is no intelligent life beyond this planet (perhaps one of man's most arrogant assertions), and that there is no God. I find it a little sad that anyone would devote any great length of time in order to prove such spurious claims (it's much more fun to believe), but I'm always happy to listen with an open mind...which is often more than they are.

Birmingham is looking more and more interesting, Roger - I just hope Hunt Emerson isn't boring. Perhaps the ladies may prefer to retire to the billiards room for brandy and cigars...

[Malc]

Of course there are Loch Ness monster(s).

I'm a person who isn't a natural believer, I'm a sceptic at heart, and experts all queue up to show how much more expert they are than everyone else by dismissing reports of Nessie.

How would it live, etc? there are no natural shoals of fish in Loch Ness to sustain it.
How would it see? Loch Ness is very murky due to peaty soil.

Well, I don't think sea creatures actually suffer the handicaps we manufacture for them. Otherwise we'd be saying "how could Blue Whales survive in the crushing deep and freezing antarctic waters?"

Fact is, they do. I believe Nessies to be warm blooded creatures, air breathers who travel from Loch Ness to other lochs and the sea. Many people don't understand the nature of Loch Ness, and that it isn't an isolated body of water. Loch Ness is part of the Caledonian Canal which cuts right across Scotland, starting in the North Sea and ending in the North Atlantic. It contains more fresh water than all the lakes of England and Wales combined. That's a lot of water to get lost in.

Scientific evidence is fine, but I believe eyewitness accounts from people who have no reason to bullsh*t me. There have been many, and the ones which interest me most are the accounts of Nessie on dry land, all of which tally in their description of the creature which apparently is able to walk as a seal does, and hold up its neck.

[The Peepmaster]

It's also incredibly good for the tourist industry.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Do I detect a hint of cynicism in your words, Peepsie?

[The Peepmaster]

Do I detect a hint of cynicism in your words, Peepsie?

Oh no, no no, no, no. It was just an additional observation. I couldn't expand on Malcolm's eloquence other than with that wee smidgen.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Glad to hear it. Because if Malcolm's theory is correct, and I see nothing wrong with it, then it wouldnae tak a whole heap of effort on the Beastie's behalf to swim round to the Firth Of Clyde for a wee bit o' a snack...if ye catch ma drift? MWAAHHHAAAHHHAAAAAAA!

[Malc]

So you'd use Nessie to put a contract out on Peepsie? Interesting.
Like Joe Dolce's "What's A Matter You?" it would be a monster hit. But ridiculous.

[Malc]

Having said that, would it be any more ridiculous than Jaws IV where the shark (son of the one that was blown up in Jaws 1) stalked his victim to a Florida apartment block?

I never saw the film, but someone told me the shark took the lift to the ninth floor and ate a whole family before driving a souped up Mustang through a pile of empty cardboard boxes and dying with Butch Cassidy in a hail of bullets in Bolivia.

[Roger Kettle]

"Jaws IV" was the one with Michael Caine. I'd love to see one of the scripts he turned DOWN.

[The Peepmaster]

I've ordered extra security measures for my front door...

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

And the toilet seat?

BWAAAHHAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAA!.....