Oh well, if we're going down the top tips road then................
RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.
DEATH ROW prisoners. Increase your life span by a few days by having your last meal delivered from Pizza Hut.
IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200°C.
SAVE TIME by only ever watching one Bruce Willis movie.
RECENTLY defunct and apparently worthless European coins still work as legal tender for buskers, beggars, the honesty box in WHSmith and old ladies collecting for charities. Especially the RNIB.
CONTACT lens wearers. Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chilli sauce to your cleaning solution.
AIR GUITAR players. Become Air-Ukulele players by shortening the distance between your hands. For that added Formby feeling, substitute head moshing with a cheeky smile and the occasional wink.
ANNOY AND frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying “Big Mac Meal, please.”
MOTHERS. Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
A POST-IT note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.
PET OWNERS. Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.
Got tired after this cut n paste exercise, so that's yer lot.
