Even More Awful Jokes

[Mince]

1. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

2. Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted? His Dad finally grounded him.

3. I’m reading a horror story in braille and something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

4. I asked my dad his blood type. He kept saying 'be positive'.

5. I bought a car that has a wooden engine, wooden tires, wooden steering wheel, and wooden seats. The problem is it wooden start.

6. Eating a clock is time consuming.

7. Piracy is addictive. Once you lose your first hand, you're hooked!

8. I'm thankful for my fingers because I can always count on them.

9. Unorthodox people are all the same.

10. Is it just me or are there other personal pronouns?

11. Short people with umbrellas sometimes catch my eye.

12. I can't stand sitting down.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

10’s good. 

[Roger Kettle]

5 is weirdly out of place with the rest---almost like a music hall gag from the thirties.

[Mince]

5 is weirdly out of place with the rest---almost like a music hall gag from the thirties.

I'll try to get back to my usual consistency soon.

[Mince]

Did you know that in the late 1980s, Pepsi became the 6th largest military in the world?

[Bilthehut]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

[Bilthehut]

Two weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an
electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
painkillers during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[Bilthehut]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 pm.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a Hickory daiquiri, doc."

[Bilthehut]

I apologise beforehand .....

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly Sir" says Jervaise the waiter "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite! - He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger meatier ones?" "No" says the customer "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ....... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin. "It's no good" says Jervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough man - he'll be able to do the evil deed" So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. He picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off
and ...... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans too finds it impossible to kill him.

The moral?

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.

[Bilthehut]

There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost.  They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.  Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many
days, and have had no food or water.  We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr Purveyor of Fine Foodstuffs and the Like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival.  We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me ... all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the
glace cherry. "I cannot help you..".

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd
stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die.  We've been travelling without water for days and need some now.  Do you have any
you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard,
cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any
water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply.  All they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream,
custard and hundreds and thousands.  Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the
setting sun. 

As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with
custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."

The other turned to face his companion and replied,

"Yes, it was a trifle bazaar".

[Roger Kettle]

Good grief, Bill, what on earth have you been reading in your absence?

[Bilthehut]

I've only just really started back on my PC having more pressing matters to attend to....

I saw the humour on the site and that reminded me of my humour collention (in digital format) from my time playing NATO liaison (humour is a good icebreaker - as are Ice Breaker Ships)

I thought of you chaps and chapess' (--go for it Mince) and had the large amount of time available (10mins tops) to dig out some 'clean' houmour for yo all to enjoy, groan or whatever.