Does this work?

[Malc]

Here's another "Does This Work"? cartoon.

I think the punchline is ok, I just have two others that I think work better and I'd like the team's opinion.

My two alternatives are: "Henry Stanley -Intrepid But A Bit Dim" or "The Stanley Expedition Was Planned In Haste".

Verdicts please?

[Malc]

I just re-read my text and it sounds a bit presumptious. If you think it's crap, let me know that too.

[Roger Kettle]

Love it. It's a superb piece of artwork and the branch in the background is a great touch. I think your original punchline is the best, with the "intrepid but a bit dim" a close second. The only other immediate thought I can offer is...
" To be honest, the expedition had been a bit hit-and-miss".
Nah! Too wordy and your's is much better.

[The Peepmaster]

How about: "Stanley would regret leaving his spectacles back in Blighty".

[Mince]

Nah! Too wordy and your's is much better.

I ought to set corrections.

[peter]

Nah! Too wordy and your's is much better.

I ought to set corrections.

Is that your New Years resolution

[Roger Kettle]

Nah! Too wordy and your's is much better.

I ought to set corrections.

Up your's.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Back on track...

Stet, Malcolm. Original, and still the best (but don't tell Torquemada I said so).

[Malc]

Torquaywho? I don't want to sully this fine forum with the name.

This is a local shop for local people...
Although my mission is to localize as many travellers as possible.

[Diane CBPFC]

I liked the original best followed by Nige's specks.

Great drawring Malc.

[Malc]

Diane, I'm asking your advice as a North American:

I have a cartoon which features neighbouring bitrds nests.

One nest has been "improved" by the addition of another storey and the occupants of the other birds nest are peed off about it.

The wife in the second nest is admonishing her husband: "right up themselves" or not, just let it go, Ralph".

Is the phrase "right up themselves" one which North America recognises as meaning people who are snobs or superior? I'd appreciate some help with that.

I'll post the cartoon later, I have to go out for a curry.

[Diane CBPFC]

I've never heard of "right up themselves".
It may get mistaken for the direction the nest is going.

[Malc]

Thanks Diane, that's useful info.

[Malc]

I've decided finally on the punchlines for the two cartoons,

The birds one is below, and the Stanley explorer punchline is:

"Livingstone's journal revealed Stanley as intrepid but dim"

[Roger Kettle]

Your final Livingstone punchline works well, Malc. It's one of those rare and enviable situations (from a cartoonist's point of view) where you have created a wonderful set-up and then have to come up with the ideal punchline. Once again, can I just say how much I love the drawing of the branch in the background. It's a great touch.