A visitor.

[Roger Kettle]

Yesterday, I got a phone call from Tarquin Thunderthighs lll to say that he was in my area and could he pop in for a coffee. Of course, this was a horrific prospect and I couldn't think what to say. He then asked for my postcode so that he could use his girly satnav thing to find my house. Despite me giving him the postcode for Torquay East, he turned up anyway. Needless to say, his visit was as dull as I expected and he wittered on about....well, I have no idea as I fell asleep a couple of minutes after he arrived.
The point I'm trying to make is, how do you put off unwanted visitors? What is the ideal excuse for repelling these people? Don't worry---he's away from the computer for a couple of days and I'll delete all this before he has access again.

[Rob Baker]

Say that Mince is lodging with you.

[Diane CBPFC]

Can Mince post under Roger's name? That sure is weird to see Roger being a jerk. I think Mince should be banned for a month for that.

[Roger Kettle]

Now I feel guilty, Diane! It WAS me and I was joking! Tarks is an old pal of mine and we go back over thirty years. You can rest assured that we had a very pleasant hour or so with coffee and chat.

[The Peepmaster]

Oh, Roger. You lost your nerve!

You could have said you're all down with Swine Flu.

I read the other day that a woman phoned a hotel to ask if she could cancel her imminent booking, and get a refund, as her husband and herself had contracted Swine Flu. The manager explained that that was impossible at such short notice, due to booking terms and conditions.

After a short deliberation, the woman said, "Okay, we'll come anyway".

She got her refund.

[Tom]

Red tape, Peeps. The world would be so much easier if it weren't for all the red tape.

Roger, you could suggest that your poltergeist is being a bit boisterous at the moment.

[Mince]

Can Mince post under Roger's name? That sure is weird to see Roger being a jerk. I think Mince should be banned for a month for that.

Now I feel guilty, Diane! It WAS me and I was joking!

I like the way Roger feels guilty as soon as someone says he's being a jerk like me. Diane was only joking, but thanks, Roger, for "confirming" that I'm a jerk.

(Okay, here's the next competition: everyone has to make Roger feel guilty about something in this topic. Let's reduce him to a quivering apologetic jelly.)

[Diane CBPFC]

Now I feel guilty, Diane! It WAS me and I was joking! Tarks is an old pal of mine and we go back over thirty years. You can rest assured that we had a very pleasant hour or so with coffee and chat.

I still say we should ban him for a month.

[Vulture]

Now I feel guilty, Diane! It WAS me and I was joking! Tarks is an old pal of mine and we go back over thirty years. You can rest assured that we had a very pleasant hour or so with coffee and chat.

I still say we should ban him for a month.

Banning Mince from the board for a month is STILL not going to make him any less of a jerk!

[The Peepmaster]

Jerk Pilchard - sounds like a dish from the Caribean.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Just back from my latest trip home to my Fatherland, and I can confirm that I did indeed spend a very pleasant hour at Kettle Towers, catching up on a variety of fascinating topics with the man himself. The visit also included an all too brief tour of the mansion, the highlight being the wonderful artwork by Roger's grandfather that adorned various walls. I was also fascinated to discover the wall-mounted bell system box in the servants' quarters is still fully functional. Sadly, the visit was all too brief, and was brought to a hasty end as bell number four unceremoniously interrupted our chat in full flow, causing Roger to hastily don a tailed jacket and reach for a silver salver, whilst ushering me out the back door with an apologetic and somewhat embarrassed farewell. I turned to wave goodbye through the glass panelled door, just in time to see him scurrying up the marble staircase, tugging his forelock and muttering "Coming, m'lord!". What the Hell that was all about is anyone's guess.

[Roger Kettle]

What I actually said was "Coming, Madonna". She lives with me.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Ah - that would account for the large Cuban cigar on the silver salver. But what about the Brylcreem? Perhaps we shouldn't ask...

[Roger Kettle]

No, we shouldn't ask. To be honest, she rather scares me. Sometimes she comes down to breakfast wearing boxer shorts and a conical bra, singing about being "like a sturgeon". She then has a boiled egg with soldiers while sitting behind the gossip pages of the "Dundee Courier". I never say anything. Have you seen her? The woman could crack walnuts with her eyelids.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Plus, the soldiers might beat you up.