JANUARY: A quiet month. The python I got for Christmas escaped briefly and attempted to squeeze my next door neighbour's parrot to death. Only its cries of "Polly wants oxygen" thwarted an unfortunate incident.
FEBRUARY: I received 784 valentine cards. I blame the recession for the 50% drop.
MARCH: Went skiing in St. Moritz with a well-known actress whose name I won't divulge. Let's just say she's more than a "friend" to me and is completely over Brad Pitt.
APRIL: I refused a Knighthood because I'm not into this elitist crap. My butler agrees.
MAY: I almost sweep the boards at the "Cartoonist of the Year" awards. Inexplicably, Malcolm McGookin pips me for the "Sexiest Scribbler" award. It's laughable.
JUNE: My 34th birthday.
JULY: I received a phone call from the actress I holidayed with in March. The signal is coming from the Hollywood hills and I can't make out what she's saying. Something about being late and what am I going to do about it. I hang up. How can it be my fault that she's late for some appointment?
AUGUST: Another distorted phonecall from the actress informs me that "All is well ". I'm sure I misheard her but she said something about peeing on a stick. I have no idea what all this is about but I can only assume it's some kind of "Hollywood" thing. I've dumped her.
SEPTEMBER: My autobiography is taking longer than I thought. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever finish "Love God".
OCTOBER: A parcel has arrived from Australia. It contains the "Sexiest Scribbler" award from McGookin and a note saying that he can't sleep at night and that it's rightfully mine. Actually, it's pretty pathetic that it's taken him five months to realise this.
NOVEMBER: Sadly, I have had to enforce a restraining order on that "friend" of mine. Get over it, Jen.
DECEMBER: It's difficult for my family and friends to get a Christmas present for the man who has everything. Apparently it's socks.
Happy 2010.
