Sent by a friend [yes, I have one]

[Redundant]

One night I dreamed I went to heaven. When I got there St Peter was waiting on me. He said, "Before we go in I need to tell you, don't step on the ducks"   So we walked in and there were ducks everywhere.
As St Peter was showing me around I saw a woman tied to a stinky dirty old man so I asked, "Why are they tied together?"
 "Because she stepped on a duck." Replied St Peter.
So we walked a little more and we saw another woman tied to a stinky dirty old man covered in warts and again I asked "Why are they tied together?"
St. Peter said, "Because she stepped on two ducks.”
So we went a little farther and I saw Hillary Clinton tied to a very handsome man so I said, "Well she must have done something really good."
St. Peter replied, "Nope, he stepped on a duck."

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"   "What did he say?”   “What does he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[Bilthehut]

I try not to break the stalemate when there is a dearth of posting, as it usually indicates there is a game going on.  I also do not post too many jokes as the more seasoned (PC comment there) forum members have probably heard it all before, especially as they had another forum before this one.

That said, I've heard them both before.  But at least is was not I that filled the vacuum (I have the significant other to do that - ouch!).

Here's my Bank Holiday offering of humour...

“SQUAWKS” are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for Maintenance Crews to fix before the next flight.  Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

• Problem: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.   
  Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tyre
• Problem: Test Flight OK, except autoland very rough.   
  Solution: Autoland is not installed on this model.
• Problem: #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
  Solution: #2 propeller seepage normal -#1, #3, #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
• Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
  Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
• Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
  Solution: Evidence removed.
• Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
  Solution: Volume set to more believable level.
• Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
  Solution: Live bugs on order.
• Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold produces a 200-fpm descent.
  Solution: Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
  
• Problem: IFF Inoperative.
  Solution: IFF always Inoperative in OFF mode!
• Problem: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
  Solution: That’s what they’re there for.
• Problem: Number three engine missing.
  Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
• Problem: Aircraft handles funny.   
  Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right”, and be serious.
• Problem: Target radar hums.
  Solution: Target radar reprogrammed with the words.

[Redundant]

I try not to break the stalemate when there is a dearth of posting, as it usually indicates there is a game going on.

That's the thing with secret rules...they're secret.   Maybe someone could send me a set of the secret rules, invisible ink preferred, any secret codes [I still have my "Man fron U.N.C.L.E." code breaking kit], diagrams of any secret handshakes etc.   Alternatively I could just consider myself "special" and post away to my hearts content.

Seriously, don't post too often in a "forum", don't tell jokes, don't post when no-one else is cos a game might be going on... what's next, posting on alternate Mondays except for lent, or if your name is Ruby Tuesday?  Only posting replies if a black cat sh*ts in your garden?

[Bilthehut]

I tried finding out (compare viewable no of posts to total posts of all) to no avail.

In anyone's defence, I was  perhaps a trifle prolific ( and perhaps boring) at the start.  Now I just post as I see fit and remain boring.

Keep on truckin'.

[Bilthehut]

p.s. the game seems to be to get someone to post and then say that there was a game on to see if the person could be tempted to post (sometimes to get them to write a certain word or phrase).

Anyway, that's wot I figured out, having read all the previous posts since the dawn of this particular forum.  Some of it was interesting - and more so once being a member (pictures, etc, not being viewable by non-members).

[Redundant]

You're a guru, you can't be boring, and if there aren't any rules, secret or otherwise, logic dictates I can't break them.  And so:

Blood and destruction shall be so in use
And dreadful objects so familiar
That mothers shall but smile when they behold
Their infants quarter'd with the hands of war;
All pity choked with custom of fell deeds:
And Caesar's spirit, ranging for revenge,
With Ate by his side come hot from hell,
Shall in these confines with a monarch's voice
Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war;
That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial

[Bilthehut]

Whoosh!