Scottish Jokes

[Malc]

I get some satisfaction from jokes using the Scots vernacular that no-one else gets.

Here's eight.

1. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

"Comfy?" asks the dentist.

"Govan," she replies.

2. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan.

3.Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?

He was in his cell.

4. After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

5. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?

Coo eight.

6. A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."

"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"

The girl replies: "From the top of my head right down to my knickers".

7. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.

8. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

"No", argues the assistant, "look at that - it says Taiwan".

[Diane CBPFC]

I understood 5 of them but then I'm only half Scottish.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Tell us more, Diane.

English customer: "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"
Scottish baker:  "Naw, ye're right - it's a doughnut."

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

I understood 5 of them but then I'm only half Scottish.

http://youtu.be/52t1CWVTrLE

Hope this helps, Diane.   

[The Peepmaster]

Siamese twins went into a pub in Florida, and although the landlord was initially surprised, he soon started to make friendly chit-chat.

He asked if they'd been away on holiday, and one answered, yes, they'd been to the UK. He added that they hated it there as the weather was always poor, and they found people to be scruffy and unwelcoming.

The landlord asked why they went then, and the guy, pointing to his twin, said, "Well, its the only chance he gets to drive".

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

 

[Diane CBPFC]

Siamese twins went into a pub in Florida, and although the landlord was initially surprised, he soon started to make friendly chit-chat.

He asked if they'd been away on holiday, and one answered, yes, they'd been to the UK. He added that they hated it there as the weather was always poor, and they found people to be scruffy and unwelcoming.

The landlord asked why they went then, and the guy, pointing to his twin, said, "Well, its the only chance he gets to drive".

  I loved this joke so much I re-told it but made the conjoined twins French. It is funnier if one is named Pierre and one is named George.

[Sandy Buttcheeks]