Stand-up comedy night #3

[Diane CBPFC]

Can you believe that this will be the third annual comedy night that I have organised for our Toastmasters club - where do the years go?

The event is happening this upcoming Tuesday and currently I have nothing. (I have had a lot of other stuff on the go). Anyway, any suggestions or a theme or anything at all really, would be appreciated.

Does anyone have any jokes that will knock their socks off? 

[Roger Kettle]

Your stand-up comedy night is three days away and you have NOTHING? Perhaps your theme should be "panic". I really can't imagine the horrors of standing on a stage and trying to be funny in front of an audience. A nameless friend (Andrew Christine) still talks of a night he was telling a joke in the pub. About a dozen people had gathered round as he launched into one of those long drawn out, big build-up gags. As the expectant crowd hushed, Andrew suddenly realised that he hadn't the faintest, foggiest, remotest idea what the punchline was......
I believe the middle-of-the-night cold sweats exist till this day.
Anyway, I'm sorry, Diane, but I don't think I can help. As I've mentioned before, the only joke I ever tell involves polar bears and the "f" word. Probably not what you need.

[Diane CBPFC]

Well thanks for taking the time for giving me the pep talk anyway Roger.

[Max]

Diane, why not use Glasgow as your basis for an act?
You were here for a while and many Canadians did too.
Blag some Connolly, McGinn or Hector Nicol from Ya Tube (Scottish equivalent) and tone it down a wee bit.
Recite "The big Effan bee", you can't lose.

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

Don't worry Diane, you don't have to be funny to be a standup comedian.

Youtube Frankie Boyle and my point will be proven.

 

[Malc]

Just to give you some idea how these legendary figures can become even more legendary well after their death, I was talking to a local musician, Alan, (known as Scruffy), singer with band Tullamore Tree.
He is a bit of a Billy Connolly figure in Australia, bearded, with a hoarse Glasgow accent, and a penchant for the f-word during performances, he told me of Matt McGinn's death:

"You know Billy Connolly found him, didn't you"?

"No, really ?"

"Aye, he was having a bath and the wall heater wasn't fitted properly, it fell intae the watter, electrocuted him. Billy found him."

"Bloody hell, health and safety, eh?"

"Aye, he was Billy's hero - made him decide to be a comedian, and there he walks in and finds him deid".

Actually Matt died in his living room after he'd fallen asleep, cigarette in hand and a fire had taken hold.

[Bilthehut]

This any good, Diane?

I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for 5¢ a piece.  I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each.  I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I bought 200.  I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home.  I have a big car.  I let one drive.  His name was Sigmund.  He was retarded.  In fact, none of them were really bright.  They kept punching themselves in their genitals.  I laughed.  Then they punched my genitals.  I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room.  They didn't adapt very well to their new environment.  They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.  Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died.  No apparent reason.  They all just sorta' dropped dead.  Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.  Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do.  There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.  It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet.  It didn't work.  It got stuck.  Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals.  That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose.  It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber.  I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.  Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds.  I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them.  Little did I know my bed was flammable.  I had to extinguish the fire.  Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.  The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom.  I severely beat one of my monkeys.  I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates.  I told him that I had a wet one.  He couldn't take that one either.  I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution.  I gave them out as Christmas gifts.  My friends didn't know quite what to say.  They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying.  Ingrates.  So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.

[Bilthehut]

Or these?

Why We Love Children

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. 
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. 
“You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 
"You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.  Five minutes later..."Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance.  Lights out."
Five minutes later:  "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY.  Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO!  If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later..."Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.  She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.  "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:  "The big sissy"

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.  All the children were invited to come forward.  One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.  Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.  She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, “but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.  Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.  She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.  She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.  She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.  The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

There's your night right there, Diane !

Superb Bil. I thought the Chicken Little one was brilliant...and then I got to the last one.

 

[Roger Kettle]

Bill, who wrote the monkey sketch? I can hear it in a dead-pan, American stand-up style. Very funny.

[Diane CBPFC]

Thanks Malc - I am not aiming to be legendary I am just trying to get past Tuesday night.

Bill those were very helpful thanks for putting them in a group like that - I am thinking of ways to adapt them to my area/life. I am also thinking of doing something on politics - so the monkey joke would fit into that.

I have a lot of stand-up tapes - I tried analyzing one last night - nothing really was that funny when looking at them joke by joke - it really is about the way the people tell them which is both good and bad.

To be honest - there is not that much comedy talent in my local group - mostly awkward sexual innuendo and bad timing and the odd filthy joke sprinkled into the mix - I had to alter the ad to 18+ this year because of the rude jokes told in the past two years (open mic).

[Bilthehut]

I've no idea where the 'monkey' one came from.  It's one of those that gets passed around by email, otherwise I would have attributed it to the author.  Same goes for the kid comments.

Glad you all liked them.

[Bilthehut]

Sorry to go on about monkeys, but I was looking for the origin of the joke and found this one.  The punchline cracked me up!.  Hope you like it too.

There are four men working as janitors at a circus cleaning up after the elephants. They are all tired of cleaning elephant shit day after day, so they try to hatch a plan.

Guy #1 comes up with a plan, but they decide it is too complex and too expensive.

Guy #2 gets an idea, but his is too complicated.

Guy #3 figures out something easy, but it costs way too much for them.

So the simple Guy #4 says, "Let's stick a cork up his ass." They agree this is all they need to do, and stick a huge cork in the elephant's ass....

Weeks go by, and the janitors are revelling in their lack of shit cleaning. But after a while, the elephant looks sick. They decide to remove the cork to save it. But no one wants to be the one pulling it out. So again they plan. Again, they each have an idea;

Guy #1 comes up with a plan, but they decide it is too complex and too expensive.

Guy #2 gets an idea, but his is too complicated. Guy #3 figures out something easy, but it costs way too much for them.

So the simple Guy #4 says, "We should train a monkey to do it!" So they train the monkey to pull the cork out of the elephants ass. He goes up to the sick elephant, and pulls as hard as he can... Nothing. He is too tiny to pull it out himself. The ingenious janitors figure they will all pull on a rope at the same time as the monkey is pulling on the cork.

Guy #1 stands 200 ft away, Guy #2 150 ft, Guy #3 100 ft and Guy #4 50 ft away.

On the count of three, the pull in unison with the monkey. 1...2...3.... SPLAT Shit flies everywhere.

Guy #1 brushes the pieces of shit off of him and goes up to Guy#2. He is crying because he us covered to his knees in elephant shit. Once removed from the shit, they both go to Guy#3. He is bawling because he is covered in shit to his chest. They remove him and realize that Guy #4 is covered over his head in elephant shit. They run up to the pile of shit covering him. All three frantically uncover Guy#4 expecting the worst. Guy#4 is laughing hysterically. They look at each other in astonishment. Finally they ask, "Why are you laughing? You are completely covered in elephant shit." He responds, "You should've seen the monkey try to put the cork back in!"

[Bilthehut]

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...

"Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.

[Diane CBPFC]

I have just written/stolen my comedy piece. Some of it like the Red Green show and the Alberta politics you won't get (nor should you bother trying) but I will put it all here to see if what you think and am open to tweaking suggestions. I think it is pretty good if I do the gestures and body language to go with it, I think I can pull this off.

So how is everyone doing tonight? Good I hope. They say two things to avoid talking about in Valleyview if you are wise are professional plumbing and politics.

I can understand the divisive nature of plumbing, but come on politics right? Politics is not some lofty ideal worked out in Ottawa but the everyday workings of life all around us from the price of dog tags to federal tax rules and all are decided for us by those we put into office.  We need to talk about these things or those fussy buggers will add rule after rule - next thing we know, we will have us take tests before we can even drive.

Who else thinks it is crazy that we have to wait 5 weeks for a regular doctor's appointment? We who live in one of the richest places on earth.  We have one of the biggest oil reserves on earth, we have literally been sucking up liquefied dinosaurs from beneath the ground (imitate someone with a big straw pointing at the ground and sucking up oil) and selling them to burn for decades - we should all be filthy rich by now, we should be sharing a home-visiting doctor between 10 families at this point in our history, not waiting 5 weeks to be squeezed in as one of 2000 patients.
 
And plumbing!  It is just as hard to get a real plumber. It is a good thing most of us have learned to be handy with the duct-tape. The Red Green show was supposed to be a Canadian comedy show but the reality of it was that it was a piece of Ottawa propaganda - they knew the trades were losing members as everyone wanted to be professional hockey players and hip-hop stars at the turn of the century - they knew that many of us would be left with the choice of leaks or applying generous amounts of duct-tape. Red Green taught us many fix-er-up tips that once we laughed at, but now find quite useful and money saving. 

As it happens I got a return phone call from a plumber this very morning - he said he could squeeze me in on March 11th. He wanted me to be available all day but I had to tell him to narrow it down to an afternoon appointment because I have a doctor's appointment that morning. Yes, I stepped on a nail yesterday - that's why I'm limping.

And what about that Wild Rose party! Half of them plus their leader Daniel Smith walked across the floor on December 16th to join the Progressive Conservatives. I thought I had a busy xmas organising one party, but what a busy Christmas season Daniel Smith had...organising TWO parties!

Thinking about cheeky monkeys...this reminds me of the time when I was living down in Red Deer when I was much younger...

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for 25¢ a piece.  I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each.  I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I bought all 200.  I like monkeys - I was thinking I could keep my favourites and mark 'em up and sell off the others.

I took my 200 monkeys home.  I had a big van.  I let one drive.  His name was Jimmy.  He was not that good at it.  In fact, none of them were really bright.  They kept pinching each other's nipples.  I laughed.  Then they pinched my nipples.  I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room.  They didn't adapt very well to their new environment.  They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.  Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. And I had to worry about my damage deposit; I was just renting at the time.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died.  No apparent reason.  They all just sorta' dropped dead.  Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.  Damn cheap monkeys. Looking back, perhaps I should have bought them some food.

I didn't know what to do.  There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.  It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet.  It didn't work.  It got stuck.  Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals.  That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose.  It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet, I called the plumber but apparently monkey removal requires a specialized tool and that meant an additional 12 week wait waiting period for the tool to arrive from Zambia.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.  Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds.  I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

I tried burning them.  Little did I know my bed was flammable. It clearly stated that it was INFLAMMABE on the mattress tag!

 I had to extinguish the fire.  Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.  The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. 

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates.  I told him that I had a wet one.  He couldn't take that one either.  I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution.  I gave them out as Christmas gifts and moved to Valleyview.