Lawn-mowing.

[Roger Kettle]

At my house, I have a little bit of grass at the front and a slightly bigger bit of grass at the back. These are laughingly called "lawns" and are mostly made up of dandelions and daisies. Anyway, it takes me 51 minutes to mow them and it's both tiring and boring. The recent, freakily warm weather here on the East coast of Scotland means that I have had to do this every 10 days or so. And this is where I turn to the green-fingered, gardening types among you. How do I get my wife to mow the lawn?

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

My solution was to move into a new flat with no garden. Perfect! There's a wee bit of grass outside my window, but some strange blokes come and cuts that every week, without me even asking. I've never looked back.

[Roger Kettle]

Leaving my wife to live in a flat sounds a bit extreme.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

You could arrange visitation rights to the lawn mower.

[Mince]

I have a solution, but it requires some knowledge of science.

QUESTION 1: When we lose weight, where does the weight go? In the loo? Nope! We breathe most of it out from the lungs. The body burns the food and this releases carbon dioxide. That's why you have to breathe faster when you exercise, because you need to breathe in more oxygen to burn and breathe out more to get rid of the carbon dioxide.

QUESTION 2: Where does the stuff come from to make trees? From the ground? Nope! The tree needs the ground for water, a few nutrients, and mostly anchorage. The wood, leaves and fruit comes from the carbon dioxide in the air. That's right: trees are made from air.

And grass works the same way. The stuff inside grass comes from the air, and the bigger the grass plan or weed, the faster it can convert carbon dioxide into plant stuff.

So the solution is obvious: (1) don't let the plants get too big and (2) deprive them of carbon dioxide from the air. You can either surround them with sealed lid that holds in a vaccuum, or get your wife to go outside and personally throttle each one until it dies.

I hope that helps.

[Diane CBPFC]

What is the opposite of tiring and boring? Tell her you are enjoying communicating with nature and getting a thrill being outside in the rare sunshine; tell her what good shape your bum is in since your started mowing the grass. I imagine she will sneak in and get to the lawnmower before you get the chance next time - you will have to be disappointed of course.

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

Personally Roger, I would move Mince into a room in your house. I reckon that after about 3.8 nanoseconds (give or take a quark or a hadron or two) of his wit and wisdom, you would be glad to mow the lawn for 51 hours !!

Either that or lift it all and put artificial grass down!

[Mince]

Ever since I gave his avatar that hat, he thinks he know things. I tried to explain to my goldfish that a quark is not a unit of time, but he did not understand, so I won't even attempt explaining it to Sandy.