Why I've been quiet of late.

[Roger Kettle]

I've been really busy.
!'ve just finished my latest book called "PANDAS---WHO  NEEDS 'EM?" This is a 700 page masterpiece, exposing the only creatures on our planet which simply aren't pulling their weight. Let's face it, the human race wastes far too much money, time and effort trying to coerce these ridiculously picky eaters into doing what comes naturally to every other animal on earth.

I have been on a three-week modelling assignment in the Bahamas. I am the new face (and body) of L'Oreal for men.

I am halfway through building an ark. With climate change as it is, I thought it might be a good idea to be prepared. There's a chap coming round this afternoon to fit the sat-nav. When I set sail, sometime next February is the plan, I won't be taking pandas.

I have been working with the Trump administration on wall construction. This is a top secret project with the code name "No Go Amigo". At the first meeting, somebody patted my bottom.

Finally, I've been doing some horticultural experiments. My aim is to cross brussels sprouts with...well, anything that will make them remotel edible.

So that's why I've been quiet of late. I hope you understand.

[Mince]

This is a 700 page masterpiece, exposing the only creatures on our planet which simply aren't pulling their weight.

Astronauts don't, either.

[Roger Kettle]

I think you'll find that astronauts aren't on our planet.

[Diane CBPFC]

Nice to see someone with their pokers in many fires - keeps life interesting.

[Roger Kettle]

How strange that you should mention pokers, Diane. Just the other day, I patented my revolutionary poker design. It has a small grain-feeder attached just above the handle. The action involved in stoking the fire opens an aperture on the feeder and fires grain pellets into your budgie's cage, thus completing two tasks at one time---reviving your fire and feeding your budgie. This can be easily adapted to utilise fish food and fish tanks.

I told you I'd been busy.

[Mince]

Just the other day, I patented my revolutionary poker design. It has a small grain-feeder attached just above the handle. The action involved in stoking the fire opens an aperture on the feeder and fires grain pellets into your budgie's cage, thus completing two tasks at one time---reviving your fire and feeding your budgie.

I invented a poker that dispenses grain for the budgie when it stokes the fire. I think yours is now obsolete.

[Roger Kettle]

You'll note that I patented mine.

[Mince]

I painted mine.