Headlines

[Malc]

Encouraged by the stunning success of my recent new thread(s), I have been encouraged to begin yet another, you lovely, warm, accepting and wonderful people you.

This one is called Headlines, and should consist not of headlines we'd LIKE to see in newspapers or on the web, but of ACTUAL headlines we've seen in papers or on the web.
I was inspired to this by a headline I saw many years back which announced:

Man Beaten To Death By Anger Management Counsellor

One which I discovered today was:

Stormwater torrent kills graffiti duoMonday Jan 21 09:00 AEDT

"Hurrah"!! says me. Then I thought "oh, wait. These are someone's kids..."

For a second. Then I said  "Hurrah!" again.

[The Peepmaster]

Man Beaten To Death By Anger Management Counsellor

So the Anger Management Counsellor died first?

[The Peepmaster]

I've just read this one on the BBC sports pages:

Norwich boss Glenn Roeder wants Dion Dublin to put off his decision to retire for a year.

 

[Mince]

My favourite has always been:

Prostitutes appeal to Pope.

Or:

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.

[Malc]

These anger management guys are dangerous:

Anger management teacher breaks pupil's finger
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=371543

[Malc]

...and this is as a result of a ruling from that most and enlightened and forward-thinking example of humanity, the high court judge.

Three Little Pigs book 'offends Muslims'

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=371505

[Diane CBPFC]

The coroner says the best way to clean an ear is with a pinky.


http://canadianpress.google.com/article/ALeqM5gNWFB8TgpEZ4en5YOTuSst7WTPEw

[Vulture]

So... what exactly are cotton buds for?

[Fyodor]

The Day the Water almost came up over my Shoes

From The Warcry many years ago.

[Colin]

So... what exactly are cotton buds for?

For cleaning your pinkie. 

[Malc]

You thought I would just let this thread fade away, dincha?

Here's one I saw today.

"Obese relative 'may have crushed boy"

[Roger Kettle]

Oh, okay, I'll join in with some old favourites. Back in the Fifties, when the explorer, Doctor Fuchs, set off to explore the Antarctic, the Daily Mirror headlined the story with the perfectly reasonable "DOCTOR FUCHS OFF TO ANTARCTICA".
The Daily Sport---a spectacular tabloid---had a front page story which boomed out "LANCASTER BOMBER FOUND ON THE MOON". Underneath, it read "Scientists Stunned". A week or two later, they followed up with "LANCASTER BOMBER DISAPPEARS FROM THE MOON". Underneath, it read "Boffins Baffled". It's the alliteration I love.

[Max]

My favourite (sure I've mentioned it before) shows how punctuation (a missing comma) can be really important.
From a WW2 newspaper.

DESERT RATS PUSH BOTTLES UP GERMANS.   

[Mince]

Let's get these out of the way:

slips of the tongue
    * Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
    * Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
    * Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
    * House passes gas tax onto senate
    * Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
    * Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
    * William Kelly was fed secretary
    * Milk drinkers are turning to powder
    * Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
    * Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
    * Farmer bill dies in house
    * Iraqi head seeks arms

unintentionally suggestive
    * Queen Mary having bottom scraped
    * Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
    * Prostitutes appeal to Pope
    * Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
    * NJ judge to rule on nude beach
    * Child's stool great for use in garden
    * Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
    * Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
    * Organ festival ends in smashing climax

mistakes in grammar
    * Eye drops off shelf
    * Squad helps dog bite victim
    * Dealers will hear car talk at noon
    * Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
    * Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
    * Miners refuse to work after death
    * Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
    * Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

opposite meaning
    * Never withhold herpes from loved one
    * Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
    * Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
    * Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

stating the obvious
    * If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
    * War dims hope for peace
    * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
    * Cold wave linked to temperatures
    * Child's death ruins couple's holiday
    * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
    * Man is fatally slain
    * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
    * Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

[Malc]

Escaped Monkey In Diaper Chases, Jumps On People In Neighborhood