Another "Does This Gag Work"?

[Malky McGookin]

This is another one I'm not too sure of, after I've drawn it.
Don't be diplomatic about it, if it doesn't work for you, say so

[Roger Kettle]

Malky, this is the first time I've had doubts about one of your cartoons. To begin with, it wasn't clear to me who was actually saying the line. Secondly, and pretty importantly, I'm not sure what you mean. Is she saying that okay, he's got masculine hands but he's ugly? Is she saying the opposite? I'm sorry but this doesn't work for me. Please God, don't start analysing MY stuff!

[Malky McGookin]

Nah, I do agree. Often I have to re-visit a cartoon the next day, load it in Photoshop and see it afresh, as though I'm a customer.

I performed that exercise this morning and it didn't groove me at all.
One for the bin, I think, but in true Scottish style I have two "babe" figures I can re-use in a future cartoon.
The great SAX had most of his gags set at parties, or with figures in armchairs

I'm doing an armchair gag right now, and I'll throw this one at you to see how it works text only.

Affluent father sits in armchair reading paper. Spoilt son stands alongside, obviously unhappy about something.

Father: Piers, consider how lucky you are. Starving children in Africa only have Playstation 2

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Talk about capitulation! The rest of us didn't even get a chance to stick the boot in.

Okay, on the second gag, Malky - it's very good, but I came up with it the day before yesterday. Smirk-smirk!

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

But just out of curiosity, how would you have drawn it?

[Roger Kettle]

The second gag is perfect. I laughed out loud---for the first time since I returned from Tannadice yesterday.

[Malky McGookin]

Believe it or not the gag works better when you close the mouths on the male characters.
Stll binning it, though.

[Roger Kettle]

I've just looked at the original cartoon again. I'm an idiot. I did NOT notice the guy's hand on the woman's hip before! This now makes a lot more sense and the gag works. Maybe the drawing wasn't clear enough....no, go with the I'm An Idiot theory.

[Malc]

I did think the arm wasn't prominent enough, and considered altering it in Photoshop so that it wrapped around her possessively.
I might try that, as long as he doesn't end up looking like he has one arm like an orang utan.
I think you're being too kind, though, the gag's not great.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Malc, the other (faded) guy - I think you should ditch him, or at least redraw him as someone a little more hunky. As it stands, you assume he's the speaking girl's beau, and he's pretty much on a par with the ugly guy in question. Does that make sense?

[Malc]

Unfortunately, yes

[Malc]

I don't really want to get into turd polishing here, but I might have the girl and guy actually holding hands. There are two reasons for this.
Holding hands is what you generally do only in a new relationship, so it adds to the effect of the dark girl having only recently started going out with the ug.
Also, it needs to be clearer which two are the item.

I don't just chuck these cartoons together you know...