To Buy or Not To Buy (programme)

[Mince]

PRESENTER: We can either sit here with mulled wine and tell ghost stories or we can go house hunting.

CUSTOMER: We'll go house hunting.

He should have said: "Oh, shut up, @#%*-features! and just show us the houses."


Estate Agent valuing a house: "The bannister is not really sympathetic."

Yeah, and the mantelpiece is angry with the windows and the curtains have got the hump.

Stop talking crap!

[Mince]

On the outside the house is "Oldy Worldy".

[peter]

oldy worldy means no running water unless it is rising damp

[Mince]

oldy worldy means no running water unless it is rising damp

 

Is mum making you watch it?

[Mince]

PRESENTER: And now for the wild-card house. Which way do you think it is?

CUSTOMER: This way [pointing]?

PRESENTER: No, it's this way.


She should have said: "Look, @#*%-face, just tell us where the &*@#ing house is."

[Malc]

We'll get that heap of shite in Australia in about 6 months.

[Vulture]

We'll get that heap of shite in Australia in about 6 months.

Oh, so delicately put! 

[The Peepmaster]

We'll get that heap of shite in Australia in about 6 months.

Oh, so delicately put! 

They don't " : their words" in Australia, Vulch!

[Roger Kettle]

Round of applause, Peeps!

[The Peepmaster]

I'd have preferred a round of drinks, Roger, but thanks anyway.

Anyway, back to the subject - I'll buy a programme, Mince. How much are they?

[Mince]

?500, in cash.