A Royal Visit From Tarks.

[Roger Kettle]

I knew Tarks was popping in to see me today so I hoovered the carpets, dusted the furniture and shot the rats.
We had a fine chinwag. He arrived with two of his daughters, who were both gorgeous and charming. This, of course, makes me suspicious about the legitimacy of his fatherhood claims. Anyway, we talked about all of you and, gosh, I never knew that about you, Mince.

[Mince]

It's okay. I'll kill him when I see him.

[The Peepmaster]

Is he coming to Bute? Maybe to hear me sing!

I've just watched X-Factor. I'm tempted to have a go at that myself, but age could be against me... You also have to have a sob-story to bring tears to the judges eyes it seems. Maybe I should get a pet rabbit and have it accidently run over.  

[Fyodor]

Is he coming to Bute? Maybe to hear me sing!

I've just watched X-Factor. I'm tempted to have a go at that myself, but age could be against me... You also have to have a sob-story to bring tears to the judges eyes it seems. Maybe I should get a pet rabbit and have it accidently run over. eaten.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

I knew Tarks was popping in to see me today so I hoovered the carpets, dusted the furniture and shot the rats.
We had a fine chinwag. He arrived with two of his daughters, who were both gorgeous and charming. This, of course, makes me suspicious about the legitimacy of his fatherhood claims. Anyway, we talked about all of you and, gosh, I never knew that about you, Mince.

It didn't surprise you though, did it, Roger?

I really enjoyed popping into Kettle Towers to meet Roger and his staff, despite the bad timing (Aberdeen vs Dundee United was live on the 62" plasma at the time). His view if the silvery Tay as it wends its way down towards the Holy City Of Perth is quite stunning.

I was going to apologise for the following revelation, Roger, but in light of your scurrilous comments about my daughters (not that it hadn't crossed my own mind on numerous occasions), I'm not going to. Suffice to say, that when you popped out of your studio to find a servant who could operate the electric kettle, I couldn't resist snapping the following with my mobile phone (yes, Roger - with my phone). I thought everyone else here would like to bask in the warm nostalgic glow that overcame me when I spotted this one...





Be thankful you returned before i had the chance to snap the Sega Mega Drive console

[Roger Kettle]

That phone/fax is only 8 years old! As for the Sega Mega Drive console, I explained that to you---at Christmas, I let the butler's children play with it.

[Diane CBPFC]

They still sell faxes like that in Canada - I think we may be behind the times technologically speaking.

I don't like how your desk is in the corner like that Roger - how can you think fine thoughts staring at a wall?

[The Peepmaster]

He does his work in the shed on Sunday mornings, Diane. I thought you knew that.

I like the museum feature myself. More homes should give up a little space to celebrate the past. Some houses have horse brasses. I like that quaint lamp myself.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

That phone/fax is only 8 years old!

Only eight? Neither of my marriages lasted that long.

[Roger Kettle]

Okay, I'm lying. That's actually my mobile phone.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Just because you can move it from one side of the lamp to the other....

[Roger Kettle]

Tarks, I must admit I was hugely impressed by your youngest offspring, who decided to name her newly-acquired, stuffed crocodile "Tail". I think this demonstrates a hugely positive outlook on life. Most kids would have looked towards the other end of a crocodile for potential names.

[Diane CBPFC]

When I was a child I had a stuffed snake who I called "Sammy" - that was rather brilliant and original too was it not Roger?

[Roger Kettle]

Nothing like the snake in "Horace", Diane---he's called Sam.

[The Peepmaster]

I was just going to say, Roger writes the scripts for a snake, Diane. He's well acquainted with reptiles. (That's even before he met Mince).