My speech

[Diane CBPFC]

I have to give a speech on behalf of the library board Tuesday night to try to wheedle a funding increase from our town and county councils. It is 12 minutes long and a little on the whiney side. We are having a 'gala' event which consists of donated wine and cheese and crackers and, thanks to me, a game of Library Jeopardy.

Do you think a good plan of action would be just to hold up the speech and ask the councilors ?This is a twelve minute speech ? it is very boring ? if you agree to pony up the dough and fund the library to make up for inflation then I will spare you having to hear it?. Let?s vote by a show of hands?

If you don't think that is a good idea - do you have any good speech making tips for someone who is unable to memorize her cell phone number never mind a 1968 word count report of our sad state of affairs. How will I stop people from nodding off after all that wine and cheese so they can listen to my cheesy whine for instance?

[Diamond Lil]

Diane - I'm showing my hand....which reminds me of a line from a film..."I'm shaking that bush, boss"...answers on a postcard, please

I like your idea of just threatening them with the speech but how about taking half a ream of paper out of your recycling box and adding that to the speech as you hold it up...that should really scare them into funding....good luck!

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Would a bikini help?

[Mince]

Just mug each of them on the way in. Get the money first.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Just mug each of them on the way in. Get the money first.

Boy, does that sound like the Voice Of Experience talking.

[Roger Kettle]

The "bush-shaking" line comes from Cool Hand Luke.
I am completely useless at any form of public speaking. Radio Scotland once did an interview with me over the phone----I didn't even have to go into the studio----and they were rewarded with two minutes of gibbering.
Tarquin, on the other hand, is a cool dude who appeared in front of millions on the T.V. show Countdown. I can't swear to this, but I don't think he was wearing a bikini.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

...Tarquin, on the other hand, is a cool dude who appeared in front of millions on the T.V. show Countdown. I can't swear to this, but I don't think he was wearing a bikini.

X-ray vision as well as a photographic memory, Roger - I'm well impressed!

I didn't think anyone had seen it. Well, that's what I'd hoped anyway.

[Mince]

Recorded and frequently played to my students as an example of extreme humiliation.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

HEY - I was still in it up until the Conundrum, and even then I buzzed and managed to make something up, just to scare the smugness out of my opponent, and if 'Tawdreish' had been a proper word I'd have won. As it turned out, my opponent went on to become Supreme Champion of Champions (and no, not at Crufts). She was Welsh too.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

None of which helps Diane. I apologise, Diane.

Back to the bikini.....

[Mince]

HEY - I was still in it up until the Conundrum

My point is that you were in it at all.

Anyway, we do enjoy laughing at you, especially with your bikini strap showing.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

Yes, well I thought it was pretty cool that it matched Richard Whiteley's tie, may he rest in peace.

[Malc]

I usually punctuate my speeches with personal attacks on various members of the audience. You could try that.

Even things like "are you chewing? Yes, you " shake the complacency of some members who think you are there purely for their entertainment.
Then you pick on those who dare to leave the room, or who arrive late and humiliate them. In the old days if one woman had a shock of untidy hair you might say "did you come on a motorbike?" but the helmet laws put a stop to that that.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

In the old days if one woman had a shock of untidy hair you might say "did you come on a motorbike?" but the helmet laws put a stop to that that.

Not necessarily! Smirk-smirk!

[Diane CBPFC]

A bikini is a good idea TTIII ? I could wear it for an eye patch and dress up like a pirate ? that would scare ?em!

Malc, I don?t think it is a good idea to periodically scream at my audience ? they are all quite old and we need them to increase our funding not pee their pants.

Mince if were able to mug them to you think we would have gone to the trouble of making up cheese and cracker trays?

And Roger, you surprise me, I would have thought you would have been great on the radio. You could have done funny voices.

Diamond Lil - that is an actual good idea! Padding the speech to make it look even longer - that way people will be relieved when it is over in only twelve minutes, so relieved and happy they will increase our funding!

Anyway it is nice to have a support group like this in times of trouble and looming public humiliation.