Guess Where I Am?

[Malc]

I'll tell you: I am attending the International Coaching Licence course at the FA's headquarters at St George's Park near Derby.
Today we sat in on a session taken by Roy Hodgson himself, and the guy standing next to me was none other than former Scottish International, Birmingham City and Villa manager, Alex McLeish.

It lasts two weeks, it's a residential course, the hotel is ace, the food is delicious, and as long as my knee holds, I will be running round happy as a pig in sh*t..

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

My guess was going to be jail, but I suppose your guess should be more accurate.   

[Diane CBPFC]

Nice to hear some good news. Sounds like even if you knee gives out you will still be hobbling around like a pig in poo. 

[Jack]

This is great news. Alex McLeish could really do with being on a coaching course. Perhaps you can give him a tip or two, Malc.

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

Apparently day one is split between learning how to shout, "Get intae thum" in four different languages, and "Defend, DEFEND, DEF.....ah for F**k sake, Scotland", in every language you can master.

[Roger Kettle]

I'm guessing that, when McLeish was speaking, everyone sat at the back with one up front.

[Diamond Lil]

Is that the offside rule that I hear so much about?

[Malc]

I'm having to cope with one coach assessor who has little man syndrome and verbal diarhorrea.

Mind you, the poor bastards have to put up with a lot. There's an old bloke from Jordan who keeps walking onto the field during instruction sessions to tell the assessor how to run his lesson! I think he's a bit of a big cheese back home, and doesn't take kindly to standing at the sidelines watching.

Not to be too reactionary about it, but he wants shooting.

[Malc]

Lucky, shooting is on the syllabus tomorrow.

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

I'm having to cope with one coach assessor who has little man syndrome and verbal diarhorrea.

Mind you, the poor bastards have to put up with a lot. There's an old bloke from Jordan who keeps walking onto the field during instruction sessions to tell the assessor how to run his lesson! I think he's a bit of a big cheese back home, and doesn't take kindly to standing at the sidelines watching.

Not to be too reactionary about it, but he wants shooting.

She's called Katie Price now, and go easy on him, he's probably just a bit confused after a heavy night.   

[Malc]

...or a heavy knight 

[The Peepmaster]

...or a heavy knight 

Sir Weighsalot..?

[Malc]

Progress report: First week sessions completed and I've been graded. The grading system doesn't have a "fail" mark, there is a "tick" to say you've done ok, and an "AP" which stands for "Action Plan", meaning you have to put together an action plan to correct the bits that (allegedly) you got wrong.

There are fifteen sections, and I got ten ticks. It's not too bad, as my assessor is the little grumpy one. I would have much preferred the nice assessor. My assessor keeps talking about when 'e woz at West 'Am (wherever THAT is) and showing off his ball juggling.

A surreal moment occurred when we were accidentally seated together at dinner. He mentioned that when 'e woz at West 'Am, his mentor was a first team player called George Cowie. I told him George now lived in Australia and was a friend of mine. His face was a picture. I wonder how many ticks I'd have got if I'd told him that BEFORE the assessments. 

This week when we coach our grading sessions, we have to wear microphones and we are videoed.  So glad I've lost about a stone in weight already. The camera adds 20 pounds, you know.

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

This week when we coach our grading sessions, we have to wear microphones and we are videoed.  So glad I've lost about a stone in weight already. The camera adds 20 pounds, you know.

That's one heavy camera, Malc.

[Diane CBPFC]

Progress report: First week sessions completed and I've been graded. The grading system doesn't have a "fail" mark, there is a "tick" to say you've done ok, and an "AP" which stands for "Action Plan", meaning you have to put together an action plan to correct the bits that (allegedly) you got wrong.

There are fifteen sections, and I got ten ticks. It's not too bad, as my assessor is the little grumpy one. I would have much preferred the nice assessor. My assessor keeps talking about when 'e woz at West 'Am (wherever THAT is) and showing off his ball juggling.

A surreal moment occurred when we were accidentally seated together at dinner. He mentioned that when 'e woz at West 'Am, his mentor was a first team player called George Cowie. I told him George now lived in Australia and was a friend of mine. His face was a picture. I wonder how many ticks I'd have got if I'd told him that BEFORE the assessments. 

This week when we coach our grading sessions, we have to wear microphones and we are videoed.  So glad I've lost about a stone in weight already. The camera adds 20 pounds, you know.

I would have liked to have said something encouraging but it doesn't sound like you are doing very well at that football thing. Either that or that little git has got it in for you just because you are so much more awesome than he is at the footy.