My entire life---a brief version.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

PS...I'm currently in my car at Morrison's car park in Ormskirk, enjoying a pastrami and Emmenthal sandwich for my tea, before doing a live caricature gig a couple of miles away. I'm sure i saw her at Checkout number 5. She was working hard, as always.

[Mince]

She winked back, and gave me the thumbs up. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

You're sure she didn't just give you the middle finger?

[Diane CBPFC]

Oh, how different my life could have turned out if I too had got a thumbs up. 

[Mince]

That reminds me of the time Roger fainted. Now I know Roger will deny that, and all I am about to tell you, but in truth, behind the scenes of Cameldung, we occasionally chat by PM. Anyway, Roger has talked about meeting Clinton before, so I told him that not only had I met Clinton, but that he was a good friend. Roger didn't believe me, so I visited Roger at his home, Kettle Towers, and Skyped Bill Clinton right in front of him. Bill said hello to me immediately but did not remember Roger.

I then told Roger that I was friends with everyone, even Tom Cruise, the Queen, and Steve Bright¹. He didn't believe me until I again Skyped each one in front of him. Then I told him that I was friends with the Pope, and Roger just laughed. Now since the Pope does not do Skype, Roger and I flew to Rome and mingled with the masses assembled outside the Vatican. I told Roger to stay where he was while I sneaked in and saw the Pope. Doing so was easy, since all the guards knew me, and the Pope was so happy to see me that he asked me to appear on the balcony with him for everyone to see, including Roger.

Anyway, when I got back to Roger, he had fainted. After he came round, I asked him what happened. Roger told me: "It was the final straw! You and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Mince?'"

¹ £50 by first class should do.

[Egg]

Not being privileged enough to meet Kettle, Mince, Bright, The Pope or even Buttcheeks (sorry Diane,
you're too far away) I did meet Charlie Dimmock in Tel Aviv Airport of all places, and, I was once a
double page spread in Woman's Own!

[Mince]

I was once a double page spread in Woman's Own!

I found that the small pots of butter that I stole from bed and breakfasts were not enough to cover a whole page of Woman's Own, so I bought the large tubs from the supermarket which were easily double-page spreads.

[Tarquin Thunderthighs lll]

What is Skype?

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

What is Skype?

Its an island, alphabetically (but not geographically), close to Skye.

[Mince]

Close? There's loads of works between Skye and Skype.

Skye
skyhook
skyjacking
skylight
skylark
skylike
skyline
Skype

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

Sandy, the guy was ridiculously nice, as was his wife, Anita Dobson. Back in the 90's, the Daily Star hosted awards ceremonies to celebrate the achievements of the general public and Andrew and I used to get invited along. After the main do, at the likes of the the London Savoy, there would be a private room set aside for the celebrities to enjoy further free drinks. For some reason, Andrew and I were allowed to join them. Anyway, on one occasion, we ended up next to Brian and Anita and had a great time. On learning that Andrew's daughter was studying at RADA and wanted to be an actress, Anita disappeared for ten minutes before returning with a lengthy, hand-written letter of encouragement for her. Obviously, she had absolutely no need to to do this. What a classy touch. Brian kept in contact with us for years, exchanging the latest Queen albums for the latest Beau Peep books. I treasure a letter from him which said he was "glad to see you're as off-the-wall as ever".  A huge talent and, even better, a hugely nice guy.

A privileged life you've led, Mr K.

I'm glad he was a delight. I can't picture him any other way to be honest. The guy has been an absolute hero of mine (and millions of others, of course!) since my brother started buying Queen LP's. The craftsmanship on the early albums in particular, is still stunning 4 decades later. The opening riff of "Keep Yourself Alive", the first track of their first album is simply amazing.

Anyhoo...I could talk Mr Mays guitaring for ever and a day, but I wont. I will leave the board with simply this...

Kettle...ya jammy git !!

 

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

Close? There's loads of works between Skye and Skype.

Skye
skyhook
skyjacking
skylight
skylark
skylike
skyline
Skype

I don't recognise any of those works as being islands?

Morag..."Where are we sailing to today, Angus?"
Angus..."I thought we'd sail over to the island of Skyhook"
Morag..."And where is that, Angus?"
Angus..."How the f@@k should I know, Morag. It was made up by a Sassenach"

 

[Mince]

A privileged life you've led, Mr K.

Kettle...ya jammy git !!

 

Pfft! I've never been much in awe of celebrities. Marty Feldman once warned that you should never meet your heroes. Apparently he met Groucho Marx and all the man did was talk about his bowels. And Charlie Parker did nothing but talk about snooker. Mind you, Marty was beaten up in Cardiff by a Scottish dwarf when he was 21.

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

Brian May isn't a celebrity, as far as I'm concerned. He's a guitar genius and one quarter of the greatest group ever. I'll leave the "celebrity" status for those who crave fame, and not for the supremely talented that have enriched the lives of millions by gifting us with words and music that will, as they say, "live forever".

Am I in awe of him? Yes, and happy to admit it.

[Mince]

Sandy loves Brian! Sandy loves Brian!

[Sandy Buttcheeks]

Truly, madly, deeply...

Actually, is that the best you can do? Is this what you've dragged the board down to? A sensible conversation between two board members and you hijack it and ridicul......

Hang on. That's what we all do, isn't it?